Monday, October 5, 2009

Ignite

Jesus, you're my savior. You're the alpha and the omega. My father, my best friend, and my confident. I thank you for keeping me away from temptation and guarding me against my enemies. I thank you for softening my heart and allowing grace and love to fill it up to the rim. Ive realized that I need you, and that the things that overwhelm me...shouldn't b/c I have you && you're bigger than any situation that I could ever go through. i'm so glad that you're readily available to me and I love you for loving me. Lord, I ask that you renew my spirit, mind, and heart every single day. I ask that you help me to see things the way you see them,To break my heart of the things that break yours and to also help me keep in mind that this isnt about me. Humble me, Lord. My understanding is weak, so instead of resting upon it, i'll lean on you. Thank you for being my fortress. God you're just so amazing! I dont even know why you love me and continually forgive me as much as you do but Lord, im so grateful. There's nothing in the world better than someone who stays when everyone else leaves. Lord, because I have you..I know that I dont even need anyone else. That's comforting to me...to know that you'll never go anywhere. I'm so happy that you're in my life and that I can come to you whenever I have a problem with something. You're the gas that keeps me going. YOU'RE it! You're the smile on my face and the reason why I continue to go on. Help me spread your light.


My hope is that I'll capture your fire and keep the flame burning during a storm.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Changes

It's school time again and something that's really important to me is working out. I think that in addition to preparing your mind, you also need to prepare your body...and what better way than to work out? The only reason why I've been able to maintain is because of my workout schedule.
I do something physical almost everyday ( at school, I workout EVERY day...no exceptions). Granted, I've taken my time out from school FOR granted and it's starting to show lol I'm losing weight because I've been both sick and I haven't been eating the proper amount of food. Also, I haven't kept up with the toning that I'm supposed to be doing. What I am proud of is, I haven't eaten any candy this year. Maybe one bag of skittles and one snickers but still, that's impressive considering I used to hide a box of candy under my bed. When I say "box", I mean, Id clear out all of the water or juice from a whole 24 pack and I'd fill it to the rim with sweets. Ive also cut out soda ( haven't drank soda on the daily since high school), and fast food is no longer something I live off. I hate that whenever I say I'm "not gonna eat this" or that, someone thinks im trying to lose weight. I'm not ! I just like being and staying in shape and I don't think that's a bad thing.
The point of this was to introduce some changes into my regimen

  • Run at least once a day ( walk first, stretch, jog/run)
  • Actually count calories and don't eat til full, it takes your brain 20 mins to know when you're full and chances are you're full before you're actually aware of it. Eat slowly.
  • Stretch about 5x's a day or whenever I think about it.
  • Drink water all day. Juice only a couple times a week...eventually having none.
  • Go to bed on time
  • Study after class and before bed
  • Stop spending money
  • Don't eat when you're not hungry
  • Continue to workout everyday. Alternate b/w Strength training and Aerobics
Read the bible more often; nothing will happen without God.
Most importantly, stick to all of these goals. (You can do it girl ) I know I can lol

&& For the Love of God take vitamins this year ! Sheesh

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Best On Mars

I'm listening to my cousin's song on my myspace, like reaaaalllly listening to it. Every component ( I dont usually give a crap about the instrumental or anything) is amazing. At first, I just liked it because it made me wanna dance but most of the lines and the winding sound in the background are really genius. Although I think some of it could have been worded differently lol im not a musician so what do I really know? I cant stop listening to this song though. I hate autotune most of the time but when used in this song, it adds to the futuristic theme. idk I really like it.
Back to my playlist and dancing around n my room
i'll get a workout or two in today

Hopefully I can finish the two poems I started. Ive been so dry lately lol

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Ph.D !?

I wanna know what you're trying to tell me ! lol Because I dont like being in pain, dont like taking pills....yet i'm ALWAYS hurting. For 2 weeks it's been my ear and now I have a toothache ! Can someone come out from behind a bush and yell GOTCHA ! Seriously! I feel like my whole right side has had some type of trauma and I didnt know about it until after it happened! Screw you anatomy ! I thought I had you all figured out by now. I feed you, and I dress you...I dont smoke or drink or do drugs...
I dont even swear! I take care of our spirituality and everything but you stay sick! I would punch you but that would hurt me. I'm tired of "sleeping it off" because all that does it waste my day. I'm so frustrated. Im not giving the doctors anymore of my money just to have them tell me they arent sure but they'll 'run some tests'. I'm not paying them to make me a science experiment and bill me for a lab fee. Ridiculous !!! && Can someone tell me how my doctor is qualified enough to treat me when she didnt even study medicine !? She has two degrees, one in Psychology and the other in Graphic Design
which one of those spell out medical doctor??? && Yes, I know... " but Psychology requires medical school to be a Psychiatrist" but she only got her BA in it. Screw this !! Me being a black woman couldnt have gotten this job half-qualified! I wanna see some credentials. I'm blaming her for my pain lol b/c she didnt know enough to help me. Loser doctor.

Monday, June 15, 2009

OW

Why anyone would wanna be a gynecologist...I have no idea
but after this experience, I can tell that im going to be dreading every visit.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Deafening Silence

You know what sucks ?
Being someone who rarely talks about feelings
finding someone you can share that with
and them not wanting to talk to you

:(

:X

:(

Friday, June 5, 2009

How to tell a GOOD JOKE



An indication that you have successfully told a joke is that everyone laughs. You laugh when you see everyone else laughing and "yay", you can now consider yourself funny. Now, let me tell you what ISNT a good example of joke telling:
WHEN YOU TRY TO HIT SOMEONE WITH
YOUR CAR

and then chuckle "I was just playing"
..... OOOOH so, that's what it feels like to have someone nearly end your life for their own amusement. I'm glad I know now.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Two strangers in a lot

I saw him today. As I was walking, I caught a glimpse of the very man I had spent days reading about...coming at me from my right. I looked and then quickly looked away. I couldn't bear to see the hurt in his eyes. As he crossed my path I made sure not to make contact with him. I stood there for a moment in the parking lot...frozen.
7 cars
a grocery store
he and I
A couple of feet apart
....I watched him slowly walk away and I knew he was crying. I could hear the pangs of his tears smash against the concrete // rolling over small pebbles and making it's way to my shoe- connecting us....trapping us in that moment. I wanted so badly to hug him and to let him know that everything was going to be ok, but I knew that it wouldn't be....
not any time soon, at least. What do you say to a person who has lost someone ? I couldn't find the words or the courage to offer him my condolences. I kept thinking " go over there! It might make him feel better".
Suddenly, I saw myself approach him. My arms wrapped around his torso like a daughter hugging her father before starting the first day of school. Like an embrace held before prom, before graduation, and before going off to college. Before a wedding and after purchasing a home. I felt him remembering how it felt to hold his daughter. I could sense him trying to pick up her scent and to picture her smile and the way she'd call him "daddy". I could see him molding my face into hers and changing my hair ....
...and I backed away. Realizing I hadn't done a thing but watch the distance between us grow, i'm regretting not making good use of the time we spent in the parking lot. We passed as strangers.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Babel


"Young lady, do you speak Spanish?"
-no
" Well, you should"
-sorry?
" Every year people come to this country and they dont speak english!! What language do they speak? SPANISH! You should learn it ! Then, teach classes and sell lessons for $9. The tapes are about $16, dont bother with Rosetta"
-uhh
" Are you listening ?"
-I hear you
"What language do you know"
-Je parle francais
"That AINT SPANISH !"
-Obviously. No offense but, I dont care to learn spanish. I dont have a problem with the native speakers or the country the language originated from but if they're coming here...why should I take additional classes just to have the requirements and capabilities to speak to them ? I dont mind helping them understand me but i'm perfectly content with not knowing their language.When I go to a foreign country, I have to learn THEIR language and not the other way around. This conversation is quite pointless seeing as how when you step off this train, I wont have the desire to learn spanish and i'll forever think you were insane. If you dont mind, I wanna get back to listening to my ENGLISH gospel music. Thanks.

"Well, I was just saying it'd make it easier"
- mhm thanks for the news flash

random conversation I had on the train

Friday, May 22, 2009

Is anyone DIFFERENT ?

I am who I am, and not who you are....I guess that makes me different. But if you are who you are, and not who I am..doesnt that also make you different n the same right ? So if we're BOTH different...arent we the same sharing a similarity of being different. I guess you can be different in different ways b/c if anyone were different in the same way, that'd make them the same. Sometimes I think we try too hard to be original and end up duplicating someone else's trial and error.

Random Rambles pt.3

You ever been so hungry that you just stare at menu's? lol Last night, instead of eating......I read a carryout menu. I love PG/DC b/c [ sooo many slashes] no matter where you go, there's a carryout. lol I missed that in DE. Anyway, my stomach was growling so, like a crying baby, I tried to soothe it with some food. I didnt have any food so I read a menu lmao
ugh
It didnt help that I was highly irritated yesterday -- dude !!!
like, seriously...I wanna // or neeeed to work out. It's gettn serious now. I wanted to gain a little weight but not in the lazy way. My dad has my computer and I wanna know what he's doing with it lol He's had it for quite some time. I spoke to one of my VERY bestfriends today ..omg I just love her lol I'm glad we got to catch up.
2010 -- year of the bible ?
drake-- loves rihanna?
foot -- fell asleep?

yea yea yea !

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

:)


I wish the world was filled with more love. I wish we could greet everyone with a hug, and a smile
......no matter how long we've known them or if we know them at all. We could get rid of currency, and just give freely and from our hearts. Where did all of the love go ? I challenge anyone who reads this to do a good deed.
  • Pay someone a compliment!
  • Befriend someone who needs the companionship
  • HUG a stranger. That happened to me once, and it made my day! 3 years later, I still smile about it.
  • Put random notes on your neighbors doors so that they find it when they come back. Example: "You're beautiful" , "I believe in you" or " There are a million possibilities, go get one". You never know what could motivate someone to do something they've always wanted to do.
  • Collect your change from purchases, take it to a coin star...and give the money to someone who needs it.
  • Help anyone who looks like they need it.
  • Tape a quarter to a payphone
  • Sit down and have a conversation with someone who looks like they have a lot on their mind.
  • Look in the phone book, find an address...deliver flowers or a card with an encouraging message.
  • Leave the parking space up at the front for someone who needs it. If you can walk, do so. There just arent enough handicapped spaces :)
  • Hold the door for someone else
  • SMILE -- it's infectious!
  • Pay the toll for the car behind you
I cant think of any more, but I hope this helps you make someone's day 10x brighter! Be kind !!!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

RELAPSE

not [[ having ]] one
[[ getting ]] one <3

Eminem !

Monday, May 18, 2009

Retreat

I just wish I could rewind everything and bask in that one moment. I felt special then.
I felt....valuable.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Word Play

I love words. When I was younger, and I asked my dad how to spell something, he'd give me a dictionary. At that time, I thought he was just making my life difficult lol It wasnt until later that I found out that he didnt know how to spell the word himself. Him making me look up each word I had no idea how to spell changed my life. I'd like to thank him for all that he's done. Because of him, my professors tell me that my papers are way more advanced than they're supposed to be for someone my age. I wrote a paper on malleable memory, because cognition really interests me ...
and she told me that she had no choice but to give me an A being that the paper really was med-school dissertation level. I'm not here to brag but I do want to say; take advantage of everything that is placed in front of you.
From my love of words came my love of books. I could sit and read books all day ( still can). I even STOLE a couple of books because I couldnt afford them at the time. From my love of books came my love of poetry. I absolutely adore the way someone can describe an item or a situation and you'll know exactly what they're talking about without them ever mentioning the thing to which they're referring. ahhhhh words!!! I wanna get into slam poetry. I always go into poetry slams, but writing a slam poem has always been hard for me because I hate rhyming ! lol It sounds so....cheesy. I'll figure it out though because performing gives you a high -- A high that I want. It's like you're just throwing words up in the air, juggling and playing with them. It'll be something I dabble in.

Friday, May 15, 2009

::Quote ::

Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Just a thought

I'm reflecting ( once again) upon a time when I had to go somewhere the previous day. I had my clothes all picked out, I had curled my hair and packed everything that id need. All I had to do was go to the store and the bank and make it back before 5pm. I woke up around 9am. I figured that would give me enough time to take care of everything I had to do ( I dont drive). I made it out of the house by 11 to catch the bus. I missed the bus while walking up there, it had arrived early. So I stood for another hour....
a bus approached me but it wasnt the right one, so I let it pass me. As soon as it did, however, it changed it's bus number into the one that I needed~! I was pissed. I thought I cant stand here and wait for another bus, I have to walk. So, I walked. It took only 20 mins and the whole time, im like "I could have been here already"!!!!
As I walked up to the bank, it was closed and wouldnt open until 1pm.
As pissed as I was that I just did all of that, I realized, this is a blessing. I have time to go do everything else I had to do in the shopping center before getting back to the bank. Had I come earlier...around the time I set out to come
I would have been standing around waiting. The Lord looked out for me, everything happens for a reason. I didnt get to go where I wanted to go that day
nothing really worked out lol but the following day was even better than I had hoped for.

I have to remember that sometimes things arent going to go as planned, but the'll always go as they were supposed to. They may look like they're thousands of miles from turning around ...you're gonna be down in the dumps and it's gonna seem like nothing is ever going to work out but in the darkest moment....you'll have some light. May God's will be done

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Gluttony

Maybe I should just eat a bunch of cupcakes, sausages, pasta, and everything else in the supermarket so that people can stop telling me I look skinny and that I need to gain weight! WHAT THE [ insert word here]

IM SICK OF THIS! Just like you wouldnt tell someone they're gettn a lil bigger
why would u tell someone they're losing weight
if they were already thin
annnd they werent trying to
THATS JUST RUDE~!
dont comment on my weight
dont comment on anyone's weight
you dont know what they're struggling with
or how self conscious they may be
i mean, what if I had a terminal illness or something? inconsiderate bastard

Friday, May 1, 2009

Vulnerability & Secrets

Everyone has scars, mine are just visible. It's the things people are hiding that you should worry about.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Zit

You know how when you have really oily skin, or even really dry skin ( so, basically any of the two extremes) you're more prone to acne? Unfortunately I have both, but fortunately acne isnt really a problem for me. Anyway lol I like to think of pimples as built up oil and dirt in a single pore. Because there's so much, it pushes its way to the surface and it is now visible. It gets that way b/c there's a problem and you arent taking care of it...and I know sometimes, there's nothing you can do to help it but....
in a lot of cases, you can. Ive been thinking about the problems in my life, and Ive come to the conclusion that I dont want them to become a pimple. I dont want them to keep building on eachother until it surfaces and there's not much I can do about it. I'm thinking maybe if I take care of my spiritual health, my mental health will fix itself. I want my life to be free of blemishes :)

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

8 hours

Guess who finally slept a whole night through!??!!?! ME !!! The first time ive gotten more than 2 hours of sleep in a week and a half ! I'm so happy and rested! Id like to thank my mattress, my pillow, and prayer :)

I went out to the musem yesterday to clear my head. A lot has been going on lately, and I just needed to get away. I put my phone away so that I couldnt be reached, and I just enjoyed my day. I got a meal, spoke to a few people I didnt know and just sat out in the sun. It was such a beautiful day. My favorite pair of flip flops broke but luckily I had another pair on me. Thank you Jesus for having me take another one. Yesterday was the best day that ive had in a long time and im grateful that I got to be alive for it.

At night my sister's older sister contacted me and told me she was missing. We were searching for her ...for about 6 hours when we finally found out that she was @ home...about to go to the dentist. She didnt tell anyone !!! I'm just glad she's ok. I'm also happy that everything is working out for my Other half lol

Things are looking up :)

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

...

So, this is what death feels like

Seriously!?

What do I do to deserve the things people put me through ? I swear it's like I wear a sign saying "screw me over". ugh ! Idk what's going on -- no one's telling me anything
I just wanna wake up.
I'm slipping into this .....slump. Not so much a depression but it's definitely a funk. I cant be that person again, but it's so easy when your emotions are on crack. Why am I like this ? I usually handle stress well....
but this one is too much. Too much right now. What am I gonna do ?! What CAN I do?!

Monday, April 27, 2009

This is like one of those films where the main character is always lost

If a man wants to be there, he'll stop at nothing to stay
..right?
yea, that's what I thought too.
...moving on
Ive abandoned my figure skating for a year.....I probably suck and I need to call my coach to see when I can get some practice time in. ughh!!! I could have been so good by now. I'm angry with myself for so many reasons. && too, I havent painted in like a week or so. I havent drawn in about a month. How did I neglect my art too??? Ive written a bunch of stuff but that's fine. I only write when i'm depressed lol I'm really not trying to go there right now. I cant wait til the summer ! I get to hang out with my friends who have left me for school lol stupid ppl
jk
I start school in the fall ( again). Junior year couldnt have come sooner. I was supposed to be graduating this year but due to financial issues, I had to leave. Round 2.

I promise i'll get better @ this blogging thing but it's rather difficult when everything is a mess and I DONT wanna tell you about it. I just want things to be ok again, but....who know's when that'll happen.
until then, I can just pretend that i'm fine
:) << good enough?

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Obsessed

Loved it. I wasnt expecting to like that movie THAT much especially because I think Beyonce is a horrible actress lol It was good though. Idris Elba helped it out, in my opinion, because he was actually a good husband. He is one good lookin brotha

tonight is In Treatment and Brave New Voices
cant wait :)

Friday, April 24, 2009

Send me, I'll go

I've seen it with my own two
there's no way I could show you
a perfectly poverty stricken people with no view
and I bet you cant believe this
they never heard of Jesus
heard of yung joc, lil wayne, and young jeezy
no one's signing up to go on missions this summer
rather sit at home and watch x'hibit pimpin a hummer
while a 9 yr old is shot down
no one's screamin stop now

So look what Christ did
not so we can stay in
side our comfort zones at home in mommas basement
get out on the grind yall
aint no better time dawg
kno ya read the great commission let me just remind yall
"make disciples of the nations, teach them to obey the Lord"
hate to never lead someone to Christ before I face the Lord

And the number's, they be gettn me
somethin still aint hittn em
America aint Christian they just practicin the ritual



love those lyrics
I love Jesus man!

Friday

Sorry, im just not feeln this

Thursday, April 23, 2009

:D

It's days like this that help me to come to terms with how blessed I truly am. I'll expound more on this when I get the chance to talk to someone very special to me. It just doesnt feel right him not knowing. lol but i'm so happy :)

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Ellipsis

I feel outta touch wit reality -- I'm praying these words I write down will bring earth back to me. Hearing his voice will make everything aight again/ gonna keep calln in the middle of this fall until his reassurance helps me win the fight again

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Bible

...gotta read it more. He's the source of my strength and joy right
so why dont I go to him more often than I do? You've got some work to do my dear. I put on some gospel this morning
which I do pretty much every morning ...and I instantly felt happier. The problem didnt go away but Ive realized that it's not about making the problem go away. It's about being content in whatever situation you get thrown into.
Thank you for the wisdom you've given me lord

my friend Ronny just posted this
im gonna put it here so that I can keep it in mind

God has created u as a tall tree, yes u will catch much wind. u may bend from time to time, but please dont break.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Busy Busy Busy

I'm finding that i'm becoming more and more preoccupied as the days go by lol I'm still going to stay true to my word and blog about something everyday but I feel like im cheating by just writing a couple of words. Commitment is an issue lol gossssh
ok
so....im still trying to get things straight
but it's hard doing it by myself with no real guidance
i guess this is what growing up is all about
ugh
i swear, i dont like this lol But if it's what I have to do -- then it's what I have to do

Sunday, April 19, 2009

ugh

Know what annoys me ? When people only contact you when they need to talk or when they need you to do something. ugh

idk when wont be busy....
I'll write a real post soon. I guess you can just have fun reading "rain dance"

Saturday, April 18, 2009

This

is the day that the Lord has made
So rejoice !

Friday, April 17, 2009

tGif

I'm hoping I can get some painting and writing done this weekend. Ive been slacking

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Hugs -Kisses- Sunshine

I was on youtube, and I was watching this video by a transgendered...anorexic guy. He is, literally, the most spirited and warm hearted person that ive ever had the pleasure of seeing. If you were to look at him...
you'd probably pity him or think he was sickly but, he's so happy! I envy him a little lol He finds happiness in every situation
we should all be that way

btw, the h/k/s [ n the title] came from him
<3

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Rain Dance

When I stepped outside today, I was surprised to find rain. Not just any rain....
rain that fell sideways. To me, that's the worst kind of rain there is. You cant walk normally in this kinda rain
you have to tilt your umbrella so that it catches the drops sneaking up beside you
and when the wind changes directions
so must you
it's a pain
so, I'm walking.....
about 15 steps later, I realized that I forgot the mail that I was going to drop off at the post office. So, yay! I had to go back to the house. Once I got what I needed, I went back out of the house and started walking once again. I looked out and over to the road, I saw that there were a bunch of cars so I made sure to stay close to the gate.
All of a sudden, I was SPLASHED with water
not just any water
rain water....
water that had been sitting in a puddle for probably over an hour
water that was splashed by other cars .....and their dirty tires that trekked over other parts of dirty asphalt
water that was hugged by a curb dipped in mud

that water drenched my face, clothes, boots, and my bag.... and I was mortified.
I was PISSED.....but I laughed lol

That got me to thinking....

Situations aren't going to always be a 'cool drink of water'.
They're going to suck
....they're going to weigh you down sometimes
sometimes you may get your feet stuck in mud
and sometimes you'll feel like you're drowning

but you've gotta raise your head above sea level and get back up. I guess I'm writing this b/c I needed to be my own pick me up.
I walked the rest of the way to the post office with a smile
&& when I came home, I painted.
Today was a good day

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Ow

I'm in pain
i hate being sick
...still gonna write a blog tmrw
regardless of how i feel

later

Monday, April 13, 2009

Cravings

Why does it seem like when you cant have something, that's when you want it the most ? lol Or when you cant do something...thats when you really wanna do it/ gr
like when you dont have a car and suddenly you really wanna take a drive.

frustrations man lol

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Happy Easter

lol why is it that on the holiday's you're supposed to be happiest on, you end up being very angry ?
I mean, I was but....
my sister had stick stuck up her bum and my mother blamed ME for it. Goodness I dont think I can take much more of this.
Ive been sooo .......disengaged lately
i cant seem to stay focused on anything but the future since nothing's happening in the present. I'm preparing for things and making lists so that when the time comes
things will be a little easier. I'm gonna do this

[ side note:: I KEEP sneezing. I srsly think that sneezing is annoying lol ]

hope yall had a great holiday

Saturday, April 11, 2009

wow

this guy walks up to me and says hi
i say hi back and then he says a bunch of other stuff that I cant remember. He goes on to ask my age and when I told him I was 20, he was VERY surprised. He said he was 21, but ....what I wanna know is, why he wanted someone younger lol When he approached me, he thought I was a teenager. Gross. Anyway, he asked my name...and so i told him. I didnt ask his because I didnt care. When he asked if he could get to know me, I told him that he couldn't because I have a boyfriend.
[here's the kicker]
"I dont want to date your boyfriend"
I went off. I was like , I didnt tell you that I have a boyfriend because I thought you might have wanted him....I told you because I dont want you. The mere fact that I even mentioned him means that my relationship means more to me than a potential ANYTHING with you. You should respect that
and he's like "no, it's not that..I just ...ok...um...it was nice meeting you"
jerk
If I left my bf FOR him, which I wouldnt, what makes him think I wouldnt do the same thing TO him?

Friday, April 10, 2009

Faith isnt faith til it's all you have left to hold onto

Now, more than ever, i'm being tested. The people around me...
my friends and family arent very encouraging and I swear, if I werent so strong
id crumble by even the slightest bit of doubt. If i'm ever going to get anything done or go anywhere in life i'm going to have to rely on myself ( and God). I cant look to other people for help and I cant depend on them because one day they may not be there. I'm learning this the hard way. There's a passage in the book of Luke that talks about your friends and family betraying you and I believe that's what's happening to me now. Not so much as outright betrayal but I dont think that anyone is really trying to uplift me and support my dreams. Well, I take that back
....3 people are. They SHOULD know whow they are lol No need for name dropping.

I will be successful
Lord, I need you

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Nightmare on Bellamy way

I try to stay away from watching scary movies by myself because they really do freak me out. Lately, though, I've been having bad dreams regardless of what I watch. It's really starting to bug me. I know WHY i'm having them but right now...the cause of the dreams isnt gonna go away, at least not for a couple months and so...i just wanna get rid of them so I can sleep through the night. I hate this ! I sleep for like 2 hours and then im awakened and I stay up because I dont want to go back to sleep. I feel like a child but who in the world wants to be afraid in their dreams!? I thought nightmares were things you grew out of. Ive been having them for my whole life. It could be suppressed stress or whatever but ....
idk and I really dont care, I just want it to go away. Maybe I should add that to my prayer list.

Is this normal?! I feel like it isnt

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I'm reflecting

upon a time when I thought I was having a heart attack lol

now, yall remember when you were little and you were sick...you'd call for your momma
shoooooot even when she was the one who whooped ur behind, you called her too
lol


so, ok....
on this particular day I wasnt feeling too well so I stretched out across my bed and decided not to go to class. Then this pain came// dude, I couldnt even freakn breathe ! ( ok....I could breathe -- it was just difficult)
the only thing I thought to do was to call my mother. I told her that I thought I was having a heart attack && that my arm and jaw felt funny.


She laughed at me, told me it was gas and that if I felt that bad ...I should probably call 911

note to self :: dont call mom if dying
-end note

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Random Rambles pt.1

*This guy pulled over on the side of the road and asked me if I wanted to buy socks. Now, one...i'm already wearing socks && two, what makes him think that id buy socks from some random dude in a mini van?! Get a job!

* I went to the bank, and I was on the phone with an automatic service from MY bank. As I was hanging up...the security guard of the bank came up behind me and banged on the counter "UM...YOU NEED TO PUT YOUR CALL ON HOLD". I thought should I be polite, or should I be myself needless to say, I dont think she'll ever bang on any counter around me ever again. I was pissed because the phone wasnt to my ear when she did it, my call had ended, and that was just plain rude.

* As I was coming from the bank, this guy asked me how I was. I speak to everyone if they speak to me...so I told him that I was alright and I asked him how he was and kept it movin. When I was comin from another store, he was still standin outside-- "pssssst! where you goin"
If I wasnt a Chrsitian !!! I mean, what does it matter where i'm goin! ugh! You get one little greeting and you think we're datin lol leave me alone

* At the beauty supply store, I spoke to the lil Asian chick @ the counter and proceeded to look around. All at once, I notice the rest of the people that work there....go to their stations. If anyone asked them, they'd probably say that they did this just so they could be ready in case I wanted to buy something. I'm not stupid though, they wanted to see if I would steal. I left. I dont wanna buy anything from anyone who thinks im not capable of purchasing something

* At rite aid, I waited in line before buying some stuff for my skin. When I get up to the counter, the lady paused and asked the man in the OTHER line if he was ready to check out. I went off. I'm like "Look, ive been waiting in this line just like he has. There are the same number of peope in each, 2! So why would you ask him if he's ready like my place in line means nothing ? " She let me continue my purchase.

Maybe I was just in a bad mood today, but some stuff people do...just really gets under my skin.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Brave new voices

Was the title of the poetry series on HBO and it was quite interesting hearing those young people spit poems from the heart like that. Ive always enjoyed spoken word because
so much emotion is put into it
it's like a play where you write the script. "In Treatment" was VERY good and im soooo glad that it comes on today too!!! I'm definitely liking this lineup. I'm screwing up the time && day that House comes on
so, ive been missing both that && WCG Ultimate Gamer but luckily I can find those online. The Hills comes on tonight as well [ season primere] and i'm super excited.

I know that it seems like I watch a lot of tv
but I swear that I dont.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

I'm anticipating

the HBO show about poetry. I cant remember the title right now but if anyone knows me well, they know that poetry and art have my heart lol It should be a good show, and i'll let you know how I feel about it when it comes on. Also, a psychology show comes on called "in treatment" sorry// i suck @ capitalization
just takes too much time to execute
anyway, im glad they FINALLY have a good show about psychology and therapy sessions b/c Frasier and Dr.Phil werent cuttn it.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

A stumble may prevent a fall

set backs set you up for a come back
postponements aren't definite no's


[/sometimes you have to tell yourself these things until you believe it]

tata for now

Friday, April 3, 2009

Eco Friendly

I was thinking...
we may be closer to "going green" than we think.
Newspapers are going to die....they're going to put "The Washington Post" in the obituary section. The world is getting rid of all paper things one sheet at a time. We're slowly converting to a total computerized nation and while I cant say that I'm ready for it, I am eager to see how they'll 'reboot' when something crashes. The Metro changed from paper cards to hard plastic ones. I can remember plane tickets were paper too! At the stores, they'd give you a small index-sized card used to track how many times you frequented the spot. Now, they have small plastic cards that they scan at the register.Even money ( dollars) are being replaced with credit cards. I have to admit that this way is way more efficient however, relying solely on a computer just isn't smart. Sure, we can program it to do whatever we like but what happens when things backfire?
In the long run, I can see this being better for the earth. Less trees will be cut down, so the earth will benefit from that but still....
being dependent on a device ? That just doesn't sit right with me. We saw the fall of education when computers were introduced. People don't even read actual books for book reports anymore, they "google" it. This has made us lazy! I believe that the advancement of technology had good intentions but what we're choosing to do with it isnt very wise in the academic sense.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

OK! i'm skinny...I get it

...but that's really not any better than calling someone fat, you DO know that ...
right?
since when has a person ever preferred the term "skinny" over "thin" or...um...."small"?? Never! Unless they're starving themselves. I EAT!

People must think that because the world wants to be skinny, that i'm fine with that label. Dont call me anything lol
Dont tell me, or anyone, when there's been noticeable weight gain or loss
Dont alert us to changes in the way our clothes fit
...not only is it not your business, it's also kind of rude.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Dear Mr.M√ľnchausen,

you're looking quite ill today.

What is it with people who thrive off giving themselves disorders? Is it an overcompensation for how piteous they feel in real life? Is that the ONLY way you can get attention? Really!?
ugh I wasnt going to write about this, I was going to completely stay away from it but something just pissed me off-- so here goes
Nothing is wrong with you! Nothing ! You want to think there is so that it makes you slightly more interesting than a dead fly under someone's shoe. You can try to say you have an addiction but...we all know that you dont // it just gives you something to stress about, try to stay away from and a reason to 'lose your hair'. I think you like to worry
...I do
I think you like having people ask you what's wrong so that you can start this huge venting session about your life and how it's been going in a downward spiral from the moment you uttered "da-da". Is this the only way you feel important ? Seriously!?!?
Give us a break! Cut us all some slack and just stop talking
stop BEING
just ....stop
because i'm not sure that I can take anymore and i'm not too fond of being the ear to your "problems". You should probably see a doctor, because.....you're right
...you are sick
you're losing your mind.

Love Came Around

So, i'm listening to the new {Keri, Kanye, && Neyo } 'joint' <
lol ( thanks Starr)
and it got me to thinking....
do you really have a choice in who you fall in love with ? There's been a couple times when I couldnt help but be drawn to someone.....
so... is love voluntary?
There are two quotes that come to mind::
"you cant help who you fall in love with "
and " love is a choice"
so, which one is true? I guess you could side with them both

It's you who allows yourself to be vulnerable to fall ...
but then again, sometimes it creeps up on you and before you know it, you're already "knocked down"-- head over heels ..in love.

I'm not sure how it happens....why....or when
but I know I like it. I love it !! It's amazing

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I WILL

blog everyday in the month of April
...no excuses

xoxoxoxo

"You a nerd"

I was sitting outside today, enjoying the weather, when a yellow bus pulled up. From it came about a dozen middle school-aged children dressed fully in their uniforms who were very tired from a day of "learnin". A small group of boys walked past my house and stopped when they were out of my view...their voices still carried in the air though , so their conversation was completely audible lol

boy #1 : "I cant stay outside too long, I gotta start this homework"
boy #2: "what? why"
boy #1: "I've been slackin and I think I should pick up my grades"
boy #3: "nigga ,you a nerd"
boy #1: "whatever"

they all dispersed and went into their homes
What strikes me as odd, about our culture and generation, is that we always put each other down. Never, once, have I heard someone applaud another for doing what they're SUPPOSED to be doing ( well, not until I was in a junior in High School and then...SOMETIMES in college, butttttt.....) Why is that? Do we think that by keeping someone else down we dont have to do much work ourselves? Is it because we're lazy?
idk
We should always try to be all that we can be
&& when a member of our peers wants to go out and do more, we shouldn't be a stumbling block and stand in their way
but rather....be the stepping stool that helps them reach their dreams! Whenever anyone makes it "big" they thank the ones they aided them in getting to where they've gotten - never the people who tried to stop them.

[[ side note :: since when is being a nerd a bad thing ?? Intellect is attractive ]]

Monday, March 30, 2009

Whatever tickles your Twitter

Social Networking has completely consumed about 90% of the lives of young adults. We wake up, check our messages, do whatever it is that we have to do for the day, check our messages....
maybe post a picture and a comment ( or two), come back home, and spend the rest of the night on our favorite site. I remember when Black Planet and Xanga was the "thing", then Tagged, Bebo, Yearbook.com, and Student Center, and Myspace
and then when they ran out of original ideas...they started copying off each other. Facebook was the more "grown up" Myspace. Myspace, then, took features from Facebook....
Facebook did it right back and now we have Twitter which stole from Myspace and Facebook with the status updates. When will this all stop? I'm completely addicted to the internet and i'm blaming boredom and NEW Social Networking sites. Everyone wants a way to "K.I.T" like they promised in their yearbook signatures....
but with the advancement of cell phones and text messaging
a simple phone call just wont do. We need something fresh...innovative and something that utilizes the full potential of the internet. We also want something that's fast and allows us to do more than one thing at a time. If you think about it, it's a smart move. But why so many sites ? Do we really need them all ?
I just joined a new site 3 days ago, and I'm sitting here thinking about how much time I can devote to it without abandoning Facebook lol It's like i'm juggling children~!!
I cant wait to see how much we'll depend on these things when we're older, or how these sites will affect our social interactions. The other day...someone said something funny to me and I actually pictured "LOL---smiley"
instead of laughing
[[pathetic]] lol

I do think, however, that sites like Twitter are taking things too far. It's an obvious copy-cat.
At the end of the day, it doesnt matter what I think of all of this-- whatever floats your boat I guess.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Everything i'm not

I figured I should probably write this so that
I never lose sight of who I am ....and who ive always been

I'm not the girl who does her hair everyday and thinks that it has to be "just so" before going out. You will almost always see my hair pulled up....that's just the way that I like it.

I dress to be comfortable && not to impress anyone. I like jeans && a tshirt b/c it's what I feel best in. I feel like heels, blouses, and huge necklaces are too much to have to wear everyday
...most of that stuff is worn for attention anyway

Flip flops are the perfect shoe because you can slide in and out of them so easily. Your feet never sweat in them because of how much air they get...and you get to show off whatever paint job you did to your toes.

I never do my nails and I probably wont until......oh, idk

I dont wear a lot of makeup

Weave // extensions// wigs // clip ins....are not for me


I dont go clubbing, I dont party and I'll probably never drink and smoke. I'm not BORING....that just isnt my thing.

I'm not a cookie-- stop calling me an oreo




If I can accept you for who you are ....
do me the courtesy of taking me as I am

Whoever said it was good for you?


Dont you hate when you have a bad thought in the middle of a really good day? This bad thought takes over all of the smiles and hugs that you've shared with people and completely dampens your mood. You try everything to stop thinking about it
you repeat songs in your head
you write something
quickly try to think about something else
but....like bacteria, it creeps its way back into your thought process and snowballs. I hate that! It's like no matter what I do to try to stay positive, always...
at the back of my mind
is some eerie thought that I desperately want to dispose of. I wish there was somewhere I could put them. Like, in a ....trash-bin in my mind. I mean, i guess I could-- figuratively lol


...rambling again

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Make a move


I saw a blind man at the metro station, he had one hand in his pocket and the other was holding a stick. He tapped it once on each side as he cautiously made his way to the escalator. The whole time, I was thinking " should I see if he needs some help?". Immediately, i thought about the time I tried to help someone old and she snapped back at me saying that she was fine. I didnt want that to happen again, so I didnt ask that man.
But then.....
I started thinking
that i think too much. I never just DO anything! When will I ever act impulsively? He probably did need help and now i'll never know because I didn't take the time to ask him. In the time I spent thinking about doing something nice....
I could have actually been doing something nice.
In conversations with people, i'll sit and think about all of the things I could say...
instead of just saying them.
The John Mayer song "Say" is perfect for me. I never say what I wanna say
&& I mean the FIRST thing that comes to mind is never said. Always the....fourth...or even the eighth. I need to stop over thinking and over analyzing and just do it.
I dont necessarily think it'd make me a better person, I just think it'd help people see that I really am paying attention to them lol and i'm not just sitting there as they talk


I can be so difficult

Friday, March 20, 2009

Spread your wings

I think it's about time that I move out. I love my home, I live in a wonderful neighborhood, and my mother is really great! Why would I leave, right? While I dont think i'm exactly ready to handle bills and all of that, I know i'm not willing to stay in my mothers house for another year. I'm getting older and I need my own space. I cant stand having to check in and clean when she says. It wouldnt be so bad if she wasnt "nagging" when she did it, but she does...so it IS that bad. She treats me like a child and lets my little sister do whatever she pleases. I'm not sure that she understands how much I need to be treated as an adult. I am one. I'm going to be 21 soon, and while that isnt OLD....I do feel that it's old enough to know what you want in life. My mother is allowing me to stay with her for as long as possible, which is nice but totally unnecessary.In her mind, i think that's her way of keeping me as her "baby" for as long as possible. She even said "you're a child" to me, yesterday. It wont force me to grow up if she lets me stay here. Ive never worked for anything in my whole entire life, it's always been given to me. I want to get a job, and work towards getting my own place because for the first time...ever-- it'll be because of all of MY hard work. I know that I can do this. She's going to speak against it....
she's going to either downtalk me, or tell me it's not what I want. I know what I want, and what I want is to finally be looked at as the mature individual that ive been for so very long.
She always says that i'm ahead of my time, and that I'm mature...and "old" or whatever-- so why not treat me that way?
She purposely tells me that I look like a little girl...all the time! Who wants to hear that!? Yesterday, her co-worker called me "little one" TWICE!
I am small in stature, and I have a young face...yep
but I am NOT YOUNG! I am...but not in the sense that they mean it. I need to be on my own and I need to successfully provide for myself. It wont be easy but since when is life ever easy?

I figure, if I dont get out there...and do something about this NOW...i'm never going to. I'm ready to spread my wings, and fly
I cant stay in this nest forever.