Wednesday, July 28, 2010


I dont think i've ever been THIS excited for something to come to an end but GOODNESS I was sick of writing letters lol It was fun in the beginning, but I grew to be annoyed with it. yesssss!!!!!!

A lot of things are on my mind but this blog isnt private enough to spill those out. Darn :/
plus, I guess these arent things that are supposed to leave your mind anyway. I need to call my dad though. I havent spoken to him since sunday and that isnt cool. I dont know why i'm so tired all the time...well, I mean..I know it's because I rarely get sleep but lately it has been getting worse. It could be the vitamins i'm taking. I looked it up and it said something about if the vitamin is not in the same form as it would be in food, it takes longer to digest so all of your energy goes to digesting the pill and it makes you tired. Shoot, makes sense to me lol The foods I eat dont really have vitamins ( I don't think). I eat, like, noodles and rice and stuff lmbo I want to start taking more pictures. I do so much and I document none of it !! or i'll document and not post it. I suck.
This weekend i'll be with my friends from school. I have to admit that i'm getting home sick (.....home meaning my school home). I miss everybody and doing our daily routines and just ...going out. grrrr
It wont be long now. Toast to a great semester. I'm gonna claim it and praise in advance for a wonderful school year. Thank you Jesus !

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Dear Reflection,

Despite what your eyes see, you're beautiful. It's a shame no one has ever told you this before...and meant it but i'm telling you now. Believe it. I know you'll humbly say thank you but never really accept the fact that you are a rare gem. I wish people hadnt thrown stones at you and told you that you were less than what you were and weighed more than what you actually do. I wish you could believe that what you see is what actually is. No distortions. You're scarred...yes. But lovely just the same. One day someone will appreciate all you are, but it'll only come after you do. Embrace yourself. Love who you've become. Your hair is fine, your skin is fine, and so is your weight. Screw anyone who doesnt think so

-the mirror

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Monday, July 26, 2010

The person you want to tell everything to.....but are too afraid // The Reader

Id rather skip this one. I cant even figure out what to write in this lol the thing im too afraid to write OR about the person I wish I could tell everything to. I know that this wont be a problem for long, im just being a chicken right now. *sigh*

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Someone that changed your life

Dear Jesus,

I didnt think id be writing to you, but you, above all else, have changed my life tremendously. I never saw the wrong in what I was doing until you showed me. I never knew true happiness before you either. I guess what I want to say is thank you. If not for you, I know id be pregnant or in hell or something. Thank you for your sacrifice and loving me even when I found myself to be unlovable. You're so awesome.

Your daughter

Saturday, July 24, 2010

The friendliest person you knew for only one day


I wanna let you know that, even though this was YEARS ago (5), I still remember it like it was yesterday and its STILL one of the best days of my life. I dont know your name and you dont know mine, but your small gesture made my entire, better yet, existence lol I'll illustrate the moment for those who werent there ...
I was leaving my dorm to meet my friends for breakfast as I always did on the weekends. I was slightly irritated because I knew that they werent going to be on time and I was dealing with stress from back at home. So, im walking and this girl is suddenly standing in front of me with the biggest grin on her face. I was SO puzzled. Before I knew it, she was opening her arms and closing in for a hug. I gave her one because I didnt wanna seem like a jerk lol But dude, that hug was the nicest thing anyone had ever done. At first I was resisting the idea of hugging a stranger, but 3 seconds in and I was totally forgetting about everything that was happening to me. This wasnt some ....girl on girl action, I could literally feel her sympathizing with me. It was like she was sent there to make me feel better. So, thank you chick. Before you, I didnt know that there could be genuinely nice people in the world. You have changed my entire perspective on life and I couldnt appreciate you more. I wish I knew your name :/


Friday, July 23, 2010


Ive been going through a lot over the past couple of...whatever. Like, internally. I have this desire to be a better person but I dont know how to execute that. Although I know that Jesus is the way...and to be righteous, you have to imitate him, I STILL feel justified in my reactions to people and things. I still feel it's ok to be pissed off if someone annoys you. I know that I cant be, though, so how to I go about denying my feelings and picking up my cross? I it? I know these are difficult questions...and I know people arent supposed to admit this stuff, but I am. I cant help that I feel Truth is, my feelings dont matter. All that matters is glorifying him. So if im a little uncomfortable, so be it.

The last person you made a pinky promise to /with

Dear chunk,

You were famous for making and breaking pinky promises and i'm not sure you even knew it lol needless to say, I wont be making them again. They suck.

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Someone you know who is going through the worst of times

Dear A,

I havent known you for very long, but in the short time that we've been acquainted we became close. One could even argue that we're flesh and blood lol
In our exchanges, you've expressed to me that things are tough for you right now and I want you to know that you are not in this alone. I've told you this before, but your situations are temporary. It's important that when we're going through something, we change perspectives. Try on the eyes of God and see it from his view. Breakthroughs dont happen TO us, they happen IN and THROUGH us. I know that you'll see the purpose for this minor bump in the road. But until then, know that he will never place you in a situation you arent perfectly capable of overcoming with his help. He's a very loving and just God. Remember the last struggle you were going through? Helped you! Hebrews says that he's the same if he's done it before, he can do it again. Dont lost hope. "Dont lose confidence, for it holds great rewards for you"-Hebrews 10:35

I love you bro
Robyn ♥

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The person that gave you your favorite memory // TV

Dear Glo and Genelle,

We took one of the craziest...most random spur of the moment trips to new york and I can honestly say that I have never had so much fun. I love you guys so much and although we dont speak very much anymore ( we no longer go to the same school), I can definitely say that you girls were the best female friends I have come across in a long time. We're so alike it's crazy. I pray we get to hang out again soon. I miss you more than you can even rationalize lol

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ] ...sorta

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I have a dream....

Ok...So it's dream time again. This one is confusing to me.
I was sitting on the living room floor asking my older sister about my friend emily. She doesnt even know who emily is, but I was asking her about Em. She said that she sold her baby to a family who eats kids. I thought that was ridiculous so I called her ( I dont have her number) and she never mentioned her son. Her son should be about 3-4 now. I kept bringing him up but she'd change the subject. So, I got my friends together and we took a trip to where she was...but then it turned into us trying to survive on a HUGE float. It had a roof and a floor (obv) but now sides. Well, there was a storm and it was tossing us every which I started to hold on. My friends were getting blown into the water and there was nothing I could do to really save them b/c id die....not knowing how to swim and all. These police officers somehow got on board and started arresting us one by one. Before they got to both my friend lawrence and I , we got off the boat. The sun came out and I ran into what we thought was a corner store/ post office. Suddenly all of the water dried up and we were in the suburbs what looked like the 50s. We werent supposed to be there. There was arguing in the front but we didnt know what it was about. Some people walked in and all of these cameras were going off and the guy went upstairs. Turns out we were in a hotel. Before we knew it, the place blew up and it was MLK who had just walked in. We ran ad fast as we could behind the dumpster outside. We had to figure out what we were gonna do but we couldnt just walk around outside. We'd probably get shot. So we took back between dumpsters and trees. This nice man found us and hid us in his house not even caring what his neighbors would think. And then I woke up
what the HECK did I eat last night lmbo

The last person you kissed

Id rather NOT write to the last person I kissed only because i've written about him in one of these letters before lol I'll let you guess which one. Anyway, make sure that the people you kiss are important to you. Ever since I read "I kissed dating goodbye", I've viewed dating, kissing, and everything in between and much differently. Nothing is casual to me anymore. I love it this way. Tomorrow i'm going to re-read the book to brush up on things I may have forgotten.

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ] ...sorta

Monday, July 19, 2010

Someone you want to give a second chance to

There's absolutely no one that I would give a second chance to lol Things end for a reason. So, with that being said, It's time to change clothes. Do something different to get something different.

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ] ...sorta

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Someone you judged by their first impression

Dear Dave, 

I have to admit, I thought you were a dog lol A playa and I definitely didnt like you. I guess because I only heard one side to a story that I just figured that you were the way this person was saying. I didnt realize that hurt people say some hurtful things. You're actually very cool and a very good friend. We have more in common than I thought and I'm so very blessed to call you my brother. Sorry for judging you, bruh.

love ya

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Saturday, July 17, 2010

The one that broke your heart that hardest/worst already know who you are lol

This will not be an angry post ...b/c we're like, bestfriends now. I feel like, that's what should come from any type of  relationship.  You took 3 years out of my life and while it was the hardest thing I had ever put myself through, i'm so grateful that I got to spend that time with you. The fact of the matter is, though, that you hurt me REALLY badly. Our whole...everything was like some ghetto love story. "Baby Boy" without the abuse. We have 3 years of both good and bad memories // history and whenever I find myself doing the same thing ....going to the movies and getting stuck there and coming home @ 4am...orrrr driving to denny's in the middle of the night, I think about you and it brings a smile to my face. I learned the most from you and honestly, it sucked but it was great at the same time. Oh! And out of it, you found someone who fit you so much better than I ever would have. I'm happy for you. I'll always love ya !

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Friday, July 16, 2010


A-bor-tion [uh-bawr-shuh n]
       -the removal of an embryo or fetus from the uterus in order to end a pregnancy.
       -any of various surgical methods for terminating a pregnancy, esp. during the first six months.

I think a woman should have the right to do whatever she wants to do with her body. Cut it up, slice it, set it on get the picture. I mean, it's her body, right ? I don't, however, think she can make the decision to KILL a child after she already made the choice to do an action that could have made the child in the first place. THAT body is not her body. That's like God bringing you into this world and saying "haha !! never mind !Just kidding. I'm actually not all that responsible. I cant take care of you". Just like that, your life is snatched away from you. But it's not a baby yet. No? not a baby? What are you pregnant with, if not a child? Plenty of parents get attached to the kid as soon as they find out that they're carrying. Are they delusional? So if not a baby, what is it ? a know, like a fetus/ embryo.  When a farmer scans his crops, he points to areas neatly plowed, points and says "those are my pumpkin, squash, and cucumber". He will not say "these are my seeds". No, he speak as though they are, because they are.  
Ive heard many arguments for why abortion may be ok (in consideration of the baby). Two stood out:
the baby doesn't feel it
the baby wont remember it

A person who has Congenital insensitivity to pain or CIP (sometimes CIPA if you add anhidrosis) cannot feel pain or extreme temperatures. Some cant even sweat. Are they less of a person because they have this disorder? Does it make them less of a human? No. Whether they can feel pain or not, they're human. Someone in a coma may not respond to pain at all, but they're still human too!

Think back to your earliest memory. It was probably of a really happy moment, or something traumatic or equally surprising. Psychologists say you probably wont remember being a baby. In fact, nothing earlier than the age of 2 or 3 can be recalled .Yes, this even means you wont remember coming out of the womb. But, you were definitely alive and kicking when you were a baby. A woman who has Alzheimer's cannot remember her husbands name. She's been married to him for 55 years, but she just cant come up with anything besides "the man that stays with me". Does her lack of a long term memory make her less of a human? 

Our memories have a lot to do with the hippocampus in our brain, which isnt fully devolved at the time of birth and is still growing and changing after that. Because of this, and because of our lack of language at the time, the schema used for recalling and storing memory is much different from the ones we have as adults. THAT makes memory a tricky thing.  If the way I processed memory yesterday was different than the way I process memory today, I may have a bit of difficulty recalling what happened yesterday because i'm not using the same system. I'm still human though.

 I saw a video of an abortion of a 12wk old baby via ultrasound. You could see everything the child was going through at the time of extraction. This baby felt the pain, and although s/he may not remember it ( it wont live for much longer), this baby is a human. Abortion- The Silent Scream (if you want, you can fast forward to 12:50 this guy is pretty boring in the beginning, but the whole video is fascinating). What is shown is the baby reacting to the paint felt during extraction. The baby screams, and tries to move away from the instrument pulling it from the uterus. All of the things you would do if you were alive and currently undergoing that kind of pressure, stress, and pain.

Just because the baby may not feel or remember it, it gives you no more right to dispose of what you consider to be a mistake. Likewise, whether a person can feel the pain or not, killing a person who has CIP and Alzheimer's is still murder. Life (growing, adapting, storing energy, capable of reproduction, made up of cells, responds to the environment ) begins at conception. They ARE human ( capable of language, and higher learning and thinking, has a pair of 23 chromosomes etc). Murder is illegal. Abortion is murdering a child, so it should be illegal as well. Abortion shouldn't be a birth control! You have the choice to be a parent, and you made that choice when you had sex. You do not, however, have the choice to kill what is already made. Give this baby a chance to live and the choice to do whatever he or she wishes to do with its body/life. Adoption is a lovely choice. 

Someone who pesters your mind. Good or Bad

Last night I dreamt that I changed my status to saying something about you. The whole school ( we were in high school in my dream), was raving about it. Like "awwww u still care" lol I woke up HAPPY b/c I didnt actually do that. Do you know how much that would ruin me ? lol B/c I  dont feel that way about you. You bug me. I cant explain it but you really do. I know it's because you care, and I know it's because you dont know how else to be....but darn it lol I dont know what in the world to do with you. . You're just gonna be one of those people that doesnt leave my life and i'm fine with that. Sorry i'm being vague, to whomever (probably no one) is reading this. You're mad cool dude...but super annoying

"I keep on running and nothing works, I cant get away from you. I keep on ducking... you nothing else, I cant stop missing you. " The last part isnt really true lol but I love "Erase Me" by Kid Cudi

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Someone you wish you could be

To me, this cant be a letter. I dont wish I was a certain person, but rather, that I had certain attributes. I guess, then, I wouldnt be the Robyn everyone knows and "loves". Anyway
I wish I were more kind and considerate.
I wish I didnt LOVE being alone so much. When you dont prefer the company of other people, they think you're ignoring them or that you dont like them. Giving, although I do it a lot, would come easier if I wasn't selfish at times.  I'm good at like... a lot of things. I know a good amount of information to hold a conversation about anything ( but spike lee joints), but I don't know enough of one thing to be an expert in it ( I don't think). I wanna improve that. I wish I liked talking on the phone like every other female, but I just dont. I keep thinking about other things I could be doing with my time. I wish it didnt take so long for me to get into a routine, as a matter of fact !! I wish I committed to things . grrrr
im complicated

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Someone from your childhood

Dear Heather,

 You have a twin, and I cant remember her name but I know that my sister and I grew up with you. You lived two houses down from my grandmother and you had the most exciting house. It was the first time I had seen wall to wall hard wood floors. I cant remember if it was you or your sister, but one of you taught me about dragon fly's. We ran sooo fast from them lol We have exactly one picture together. Two pairs of sisters....
it's so amazing how friendship knows no color when you're young. Not that it does now, at least not to me. But when you're older, everything gets so complicated. You two ended up moving after a while. I never got even know your last name. I will say, though, that you guys were really great friends.

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Someone not in the state/ country

Dear Carla,

You are on your way to Haiti, I believe Jeff said you'd be stopping somewhere in the states for training..anyway...I wish you the best of luck. I pray that God leads you and moves you in ways you haven't ever been moved before. I know that this is something we all prayed for, for you to get the chance to go and praise God that you were able to!! I just know he's going to do wonderful things for you and for the people there. Allow him to speak through you- he always equips us with the right words to say when we're not able to produce them. I'll miss ya girl

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Monday, July 12, 2010

The Person You Miss The Most // Dream

Dear Speed,

Ive written to you already, but I wanted to again. I dont think you understand how much I miss you :(

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Tattoos/ Piercings

A person, who i'm guessing was offended by my statuses, mistook me for judging people. Preaching the gospel is different from judging. I make it a point to never judge someone, but If asked, i'm not going to tell you God approves of what you're doing. That's not judging. I mention this because there are people who actually DO use the word to judge and it's pissing me off. I was outside and someone ( whose name will not be mentioned) said that someone at work had a lot of tattoos. I thought "omg....another talk about tattoos and piercings". Honestly, i'm sick of people coming down hard on others for this. It could be because I, myself, have piercings galore lol But also, I know how it feels to be judged. It sucks!! SO why would you treat someone else that way and claim that Christ lives inside of you? Ive heard this person say, in the same conversation , that they talked about people at work because they weren't as groomed. That hurt my heart a little bit. Instead of helping, you hinder? I'M NOT the most friendly person alive. I know that about myself, but I also know that it's not cool to be that way so I try to change. I have zero tolerance for people who talk about other people. I have a very similar tolerance for those who pass judgment on those who choose to get a freakn hole in their ear.
This is my whole issue about piercings. One sin is not over the other. The unjust is judged with the same law as the just. So, if it were that piercings were a sin, wouldn't every female be at fault ?? If one piercing wasnt any worse than several? And with tattoos, you could make the argument that it was said in Leviticus that tattoos were despised, but not in the new testament. So are tattoos ok? Since leviticus was the old order ( and no, that doesnt give you a pass for cannot drink lol 1 Corinthians 10:31 says that it must be for the Glory of God and I hardly see how it would be if a couple times throughout the bible it talks down about drinking). anyway, my point is, you shouldnt judge people. The law you're using against them is used against you too !! People make modifications to themselves everyday! Plastic surgery, hair dying, contacts etc...some are permanent, some arent. You're "technically" marking your body like it says not to do. If you dont want someone to talk about you, dont talk about other people when you DONT know what you're talking about. Also, you dont know at what point these people got the tattoo, and how they feel about it now. They could have gotten while they were young, and since...found that maybe it wasnt the best idea. It certainly makes a person like this relatable. If you're ministering to someone who looks like you do, there's less intimidation. While I do believe that the body is a temple, I dont believe you're going to hell for putting a tattoo on it. I feel like conservative people are using that one scripture to discriminate. I dont think you should go crazy....but hey, that's me. I'm not God. No one is without fault. Remember that! Our mission in LIFE is to preach the gospel, live by his word, and to love one another. That is IT! By doing those, we'll cover the bases.
I'm a walking masterpiece. You can love me, or hate me for it.

Christians with tattoos. Awesome stories

Religion &Tattoos

Dreams && Ernest lol

I had a dream with my buddy Ernest in it  lol we were in school ( idk which one) and he was trynna find a gf. i stole someone's baby and was trying to feed them. Like, I was looking for bottles everywhere. One hallway of the school had a line of mothers laying down beside lockers, feeding their kids.
so on our journey down the street.....he had a jeep with NO seatbelts. only handles lmbo They had little steel arm holes that you had to stick your hands in. Kinda like on a roller coaster but less safe. we were holding on for dear life. All of a sudden something hurls at the car. we got hit and fell out. We lost the got totaled and then disappeared. so we're walking along the road and then this HUGE flying alien type thing that throws fire is chasing us. It was like some super action movie with the car chases and crap lol and ernie goes  "its cool...its ok...just parappa him" lol ( like parappa the rapper) so he starts rappn....and it starts dying
i lost the baby :( and ernest didnt find his chicky boo lol

Someone you've drifted away from

Dear Drifter,

I guess our lives are just different now. I dont blame either you or myself for the distance that grew between us. I wish it weren't like this, but I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to talk to you about anything. I miss the days when we'd talk for hours, but I know that those times arent these. I have a lot going on, and so do you. I find comfort in knowing that whenever I need you, you're there. And likewise, i'm there for you . I hope that in the future, we can be a huge part of eachothers lives and keep our friendship.

love you

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Someone you wish could forgive you

I dont think there's anyone that wont forgive me lol So, again, this letter is difficult. Usually it's me who has the forgiveness problem, to be quite honest. The people around me are quite forgiving which let's me know what I have to work on. So yeah, no letter today.

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Friday, July 9, 2010

Happy Birthday Mukhtar !


Today's letter was supposed to be written for someone you hate. I dont hate anyone, so I cant write that letter. God said love em like he loves the church, right ? lol
I'll just do a regular blog...

I woke up extremely frustrated. My mother didnt tell me that my uncle was coming over ( a little before 7), so it woke me up. I got about 3 hours of sleep TOTAL. She ruined a dream about me and John Legend meeting lol I was pissed! I couldnt be too upset at him ( even though I wanted to be ) because he told my mother, in advance, that he was coming. My mom just forgot to drop that very important information by me. So, that left me annoyed and cheated out of precious Z's.

A friend of mine suggested that I watch a movie called Shrink. I dont know whether I have a nervous habit or if that movie was actually supposed to be funny, but during a few parts I couldnt help but laugh. Robin Williams, whom I love, was in the movie- uncredited. I was confused as to why they wouldnt credit a man as great as he is. I mean, he was in Awakenings a movie about a guy who had encephalitis lethargica and Robin Williams was his doctor. I mean, it was astronomical! I'm getting off topic, I figure they had him to be unscripted because it was a cameo appearance. I guess it was a cameo, he was on screen for about ( if I remember correctly) two scenes out of the movie. He delivered a full dialogue though...a bit of a monologue. Anyway, the therapist had a drug problem. To me, that movie sorta resembled my life ...when i'm at a weak spot. Everyone runs to me for help and I need help myself. It was refreshing to see a movie like that. I love independent films, they're soooooo obscure.

My nephew came over the other day!! He lights up my life, I swear !!! I have three nephews but he's the one I see the most often. If you wanna see a kid who's crazy about serving the Lord, have ONE conversation with him and you'll definitely be like "I wanna be like him when I grow up". He lectured me on credit, cars, and cellphones and he's only 9. He's going places I tell ya.

They took twilight off SyFy ( formerly scifi) for the 4th of July. I truly feel jipped lol They ONLY show the show twice a year and now we're reduced to one time for the Greatest American Heroes wth is that!? ughh lol they're ruining classics and traditions :/ If a network x's The Cosby Show im setting something ablaze.

This post may be added to....
Im not sure yet. I dont have much else to say at the moment though. I'm gonna go do some research

later loves ♥

Thursday, July 8, 2010

A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Speak To

Dear Speed/ Great Uncle Thomas

I miss you. I cant go over to, what used to be, your house without feeling the instant pang of sadness. You left a huge void that no one could ever fill. I still think about the good times we shared and I can definitely say you're irreplaceable. Every morning, you would walk my sis and I to school. One particular morning, the winter before you left us, you fell. Your hips wouldn't support you and neither would your knees, and you went tumbling into the snow.Your face hit the snow so hard that it blacked your eye.  I was so scared. I kept screaming for you to get up praying that you hadn't died. When you got up, I was so relieved I hugged you and we continued onto school. I remember praying all throughout the day that you made it home alright. A bit of a bruise formed where you fell, so you had no choice but to tell grandma. Although she didnt really care, everyone else did. You were very loved. When we'd come home, you'd give us peanut chews from your
pocket. They stuck to our teeth lol you said that meant it was good but not good for you. I think back on the times the school bus would pass us and you'd joke about how we had to be smart to ride the bus. And since we couldnt (ride the bus), we'd try our hardest to prove we really were intelligent by throwing random questions and facts at you. In reality, we didnt ride the bus because there was no bus for our school. When grandma would watch her soap operas, you and I would share a bag of chips, usually bbq or something cheese flavored. You had your first dorito with me !  During lunch, you ate with us. I miss those times.
In the year 1998, you passed away. I was 9 years old turning 10...I remember how hot it was that summer. How you would sit outside on the porch and smoke a cigarette, and then come back in and joke around with my little sister and I. A couple of days prior, you fell again. Grandma had you sleep in the basement of the house. The problem was that it was very dark and had no railing to safely climb the stairs. You kind of had to follow along with your hand gripping the rough edges of the concrete wall. I guess it wasnt enough because you missed your step and fell. You said you were alright, but over time it just got worse. You were admitted into the hospital and it shook the whole family up. I was in baltimore with my little sister and my dad at the time. We had made it all the way back home and he gave us a can of peanuts to eat while he spoke on the phone to my mom who was giving him the news. The next day, we went up to the hospital to see you. You didnt want my sis and I to see you in that condition and I was so angry. I knew that you were going to die soon, but I was praying so hard that you wouldnt. Maybe it was selfish of me to want more time with you when God was calling you home. The truth was, though, you really were like my bestfriend. You were the most loving person in our family.You may have been the smallest, but you were definitely the strongest- the one that kept us all together.  That was the first time I cried for days about losing someone. I dont think I could wrap my head around the whole thing. I wasnt allowed to see you in the hospital, I wasnt allowed to go to the funeral or the burial. What makes it worse is that grandma buried you in a secret spot and no one could find your body until 11 years later. I used to get on the internet and look for your resting place, I couldnt come up with anything. They have sites where you can see a virtual cemetery. It has all of the spots with names along with them. It wasnt until later that we realized that your grave was unmarked (no gravestone). Grandpa did a lot of research to find you. The graveyard you were placed in was abandoned and unkept. I'm sorry she did that to you :( I kept seeing you after you died. I saw you outside in a baseball cap wearing a blue plaid shirt. And I saw you at the dinner table where we ate meals together. You were still sitting across from me smiling. There was one day, maybe a month after all of this happened, I was sitting in the room that should have been yours. I heard a whisper and I felt something tap me on the shoulder. When I looked, all I saw were the flickering lights of the tv and the woman on tv said "it's alright". I never saw you again after that. I dont know if that was my mind, or God telling me that it was gonna be ok. To this day I cant go down to the basement and I cant eat peanut chews. They remind me too much of you and I still cry when I think of you. I wish you didnt have to go, but I'm so thankful for the time I got to spend with you.

The one good thing that came from your passing was you accepting Christ as your savior. That made me so happy to know that you'd be with Jesus now. If I could say anything to you, id ask you if God gave you a porch to sit on in heaven and I want to let you know that you made such an impact on our lives. We still keep your ashtray right where you left it. I love you speed and I really miss you.


[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Someone I wish I spoke to more

Dear Hermano,

You actually called me last night when you got off work lol but still, I wish we spoke more. It sucks that you have two jobs and you're always tired. Guess I just miss ya. It was good to catch up with you and to have long-winded random rants about world issues and then end it with religion lol I freakn love you dude


[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Someone I wish I could meet

Dear Grandma,

I remember one mothers day I saw my dad cry. It was the first and last time I saw him show that type of emotion, and I was around 5 years old. I'm 21 now, and to this day he never brings you up. I have never seen a picture of you, and I don't even know your name. I do know, however, that you and your husband left him. You held him for a brief moment after he was born, but after that he never felt your arms hug him. He has never heard you tell him you love him, and he will never know what it's like to have parents. No thanks to you guys, he grew up to be wonderful. Although he grew up poor, and was forced to join the military, my father is the epitome of a great dad. My dad isnt perfect, but at least he was there. He couldnt give me everything I wanted, but he certainly went through hell and high water to provide for me what I needed. You could have done that. I hope that wherever you are, you thought about him and regretted giving him up. You have never tried to find him, or even know who ended up being. You didnt care whether he was even living! If I had the chance to meet you, I would just ask you why you did that to him. He thinks about you a lot. I can see it every time the holiday comes around. I'm hoping that if you're still alive, he at least gets to see what you look like. He misses you...
or at the very least,  the thought of you.

Your granddaughter

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Monday, July 5, 2010

Dear Internet Friend,

You and I have had the best friendship that I've ever had with anyone. I dont know if that's sad or a good thing lol I've known you since ..somewhere around middle school. I am now a senior ( should have graduated this year) in college. That's a long time !! We've seen each other through breakups, fights, happy moments, special occasions, and just random conversations that never seem to end until 3am. Honestly, I dont think i'd know what love was if it werent for you. I truly do love you. Although we have different faiths...we somehow manage to make it work. We dont disrespect each other and we always encourage the other. I've never had someone as THERE for me as you have been and you're across the United States. We know that, no matter what, the other person is going to be there. A text in the middle of the night will be answered. If someone paints a toenail lol it will be shared. We share beauty secrets, secret-secrets, jokes, articles. I mean, it also helps that you're into photography and art just like I am. I consider myself blessed to know you. You're definitely a wonderful person even though you dont think you are. You're beautiful inside and out...and I know a lot of people say that, but I cant say that ABOUT a lot of people lol I hope we can be friends for a very long time. I still carry the letter that you wrote to my wallet. Nope lol I havent taken it out!! Still in the envelope and everything. I look forward to sending many more Christmas cards and endless nights of sharing videos and stories. I know that when you get married or have kids, i'll be included in that as well. Find comfort in knowing that you wont be left out of my life as things start unfolding for you never have been.
I love you girl !!!

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Sunday, July 4, 2010

A History Lesson// WWII Memorial and Independence Day

I'll try to make this as interesting (condensed) as possible :]

World War I kinda shook things up in Europe and resulted in a shift in the balance of power. As you can image, many countries weren't ok with this. Japan invaded china, Germany invaded Poland. I mean everyone was kickn butt lol Ok so WWII .Germany also invaded France, the Netherlands, and Belgium. Italy declared war on France, but then France surrendered. So they were divided between Italy and Germany. This meant that France was now neutralized. Germany, then, sought an invasion of Great Britain. They failed once ( if my memory serves me correct) and then with the help of french ports, they succeeded over Britain. Japan is still kickn china's butt lol So, the US ( a neutral ) assisted china along with other allies. So, formed were the allies and the axis powers. Germany, of course was apart of the axis, and the US and great Britain, apart of the allies. Our Navy protected British convoys and they helped us when they could. This resulted in Germany getting pissed at us, and we had to engage in a naval warfare. A lot of other stuff happens and eventually it's GLOBAL. Japan started attacking great Britain and American holdings and this led the allies to formally declare war on japan. Germany and other countries responded by declaring war on the US. D day was the day we defeated the German army, and we continued to push back the German forces. Germany tried one last time to come back, but ultimately the Allies won. after the war, the UN was formed. The economy was exhausted. There were many casualties, some innocent, and many soldiers. During this time, there was the holocaust so that added to the death toll.

I was looking at different photography. I found this picture and immediately became preoccupied with the writing to the right of the statue. I started googling the people etched in the stone with no results. I looked closer *zooming in* and saw that one of the people from Maryland was a SGT. I thought "could this be a war memorial". I found some additional information on the photo.
Photograph taken by: Lorissa Shepstone
It was taken at the Cambridge American Cemetery. It was established as a temporary military cemetery (say that 5xs fast) in 1943 on the land donated by the University of Cambridge. The site was later deemed as "the only permanent American World War II military cemetery in the British Isles and was dedicated 16 July 1956." It is one of fourteen permanent American World War II military cemetery memorials erected on foreign soil by the American Battle Monuments Commission.
Anyway, the picture that I found had the word "To Defend" at the top. I actually thought that "To Defend" was the name of it. So I googled that as well. I found out that "To Defend" was apart of a larger inscription. Its from The Golden book and it reads "THE AMERICANS, WHOSE NAMES HERE APPEAR,WERE PART OF THE PRICE THAT FREE MEN FOR THE SECOND TIME IN THIS CENTURY HAVE BEEN FORCED TO PAY TO DEFEND HUMAN LIBERTY AND RIGHTS ALL WHO SHALL HEREAFTER LIVE IN FREEDOM WILL BE HERE REMINDED THAT TO THESE MEN AND THEIR COMRADES WE OWE A DEBT TO BE PAID WITH GRATEFUL REMEMBRANCE OF THEIR SACRIFICE AND THE HIGH RESOLVE THAT THE CAUSE FOR WHICH THEY DIED SHALL LIVE ETERNALLY". Along the wall are four statues: a soldier, a sailor, an airman and a Coast Guardsman.The names that ran the length of the memorial were the names of a little more than 5,000 lost/missing soldiers.
May we never take our lives or our freedom for granted.  May we forever remember the lives lost and the  heart and souls poured out on the battlefield.

Dear Ex,

I wont give you the satisfaction of even knowing this is about you, but I get the feeling that the point of these letters is to say things we've never said before. I would like to take the time out to thank you for all of the crap you put through for an entire year. You said that it was the best year of your life, but I think you're lying to yourself. Or maybe, you really enjoyed seeing me squirm. Like the master of a torture chamber. I was too blind to know that it wasn't love that you had for me, rather some kind of spell. Some supernatural control for a naive little girl. Before then, I hadn't ever spoken about a guy to anyone else and I certainly never took my issues to church. The thing is, I knew you weren't good for me. I never could find the strength to leave you though...not until I found God--forreal. You told me that you were saved, and I believed you because you wore a suit well, shouted, and sang on Sunday. When I actually took the time to re-evaluate my OWN relationship with God and how a christian is supposed to look, I realized that I had been deceived and taken advantage of. You lied, neglected me, and abused me, but I forgive you . You saw an opportunity and you took it. Ive grown so much since then. I'm so glad that I actually listened to God instead of just inferring what he "meant" for my life. He would never place me with a person who makes me cry every night. And no, they weren't tears of joy. I was happy when I got to the place that I just didn't care anymore. Breaking up with you was hard, but I had to do it. Ignoring your calls, texts, and messages killed me, but I knew that you actually would have if I let you stay in my life. I hid it so well. No one knew I was hurting.
There was a church service, the last one before you got that call from me in the middle of the night, that spoke about forgiveness. I still held so much hatred for you in my heart. He told us to call the person we still have yet to forgive. The phone BURNED in my hand, I held it for so long and so tightly. I called you, told you everything that was going through my mind and I told you that I forgave you. Although I still had work to do I never, from that point on, showed any sort of disdain toward you. That, in itself, is an act of God. I still believe that one day you'll see what you're doing is wrong and you'll come to know Christ as your savior and really surrender your life to him. NOT so that you and I can be together- that ship has long sailed. But so that your sins wont lead you to hell. Although I am no longer in love with you, I love you enough to not want to see you go there. I'll be praying for you. You bruised me, but you didnt break me. I havent given up on love because you were never the definition of it. I know that there's someone who will love me just the way I am without trying to make modifications to my weight and hair. If it werent for you, I wouldnt have known my worth. I wouldnt have the hunger that I have for God right now. I wouldnt spend hours studying His word, and I wouldnt have the standards that I have for men now. I absolutely refuse to let another "you" back into my life. A relationship is supposed to glorify God, not tear down his kingdom. So, while our relationship wasnt fruitful, it helped me blossom. I am now eternally grateful for wisdom, and grace, and for Jesus Christ.

Thank you,

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Saturday, July 3, 2010


What happens when you expect things ?
....someone lets you down.
thanks dad

Dear Stranger,

I've been watching you ( In the least stalker way possible lol), and I find you remarkable. Chances are slim that you'll read this, but that's ok. If you happen to come across this, however, I hope you know it's you I'm talking about. I often wonder if the people I pass on the street, or metro will  ever create a story for me. Or if they get some kind of perception about me that I haven't exactly molded for myself. Even if you dont think you're all that great, I do. I get the feeling that you try very very hard, but you dont think it pays off. It does. You put God first and already, that's a great start! I'm gonna end this now, because Ive been typing all week and i'm sure to get carpal tunnel lol I hope we arent strangers for long

Just...some girl.

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Friday, July 2, 2010

Everything is beautiful when you're looking through Rose Colored glasses

....Take em off

I don't listen to much music that isn't christian ( started a month ago...just to help me leave worldly things behind). But my spiritual sister's actual sister posted this. I can identify with the words of this song. I love it.
For me, I didn't see how RIDICULOUS my last relationship was until I sought guidance from my pastor.  Things look a lot different when you look at it from another perspective.

Dear Dreams,

Why do you scare me , confuse me, and leave me hanging ? You havent been good in a long time, and if you were, that would kinda anger me ( not really) because then i'd have to wake up NOT in the dream. I guess I dont really like dreaming. Day dreaming, I dont mind. But actual dreaming I have no control over. Last night, I dreamt that I was at school and I was supposed to be meeting someone in the library, but the school had an "assembly" of some sort. It was outside, and at night. It was also raining with snow outside. I couldnt find my white purse and for some reason my right leg was really hairy lol I was upset because all of my friends had gone earlier and sat in the front and I was left to sit in the back. Very preoccupied with not having my white purse, I didnt really know what the announcement was about. I woke up soon after that because my mom was blasting filth ( Jerry Springer. Who knew that still aired??).
What that dream has to do with anything, I havent the slightest. I wish, at the end of every dream, there was a sign or a voice over that told you the analysis of your dreams lol

Scared Stupid

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Bond Servant For Christ

Two times last week I got told that I go too hard for God lol
I find this funny because they would prefer me to be lukewarm. I'm sooo glad that I've read Galatians 1:10.
Obviously, I'm not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant. NLT
I'm not out here yelling at people in their faces about repentance, but I don't shy away from preaching the gospel. I don't think, as Christians, we're supposed to. I always get a little happy when I see Jehovah's Witnesses eager to tell people what they believe. Although we hold opposing views, at least SOMEONE's religion has everyone on board lol My point is (well, I actually hadn't really argued it yet but) God comes first. He does ! And if someone has a problem with Christ being the center of my life, oh well. lol I DO talk about other things, but I cant help that I love and depend on Jesus. I wont apologize for it either. Before I got saved, I wasnt completely sold out to Jesus (haha obv). I gave him half of me and that wasnt fair. When I got saved, I held a torch for him for a little while and then it fizzled. I prayed for days to get my passion back, and it didnt come. I went to bible study and asked my sisters what they do when they've kinda reached a plateau in their walk. They explained to me that if we went off our emotions ( flesh) as a determining factor for whether or not we were crazy about God, we'd almost always let Satan tell us we're losing it. We need to think about what he's done for us, how much love went into his sacrifice, and what salvation truly means and then ask ourselves again how much we love God. I cannot think about the grace and mercy that the Lord has shown me without being truly grateful. There's absolutely no way ...NONE...that i'm letting go. Call me an extremist, a Jesus freak, whatever. idc. It's me and Jesus.

I haven't been able to find a job, and it's kind of getting me down. I know the Lord is a provider, though, so i'll hold onto his promise. In other news, I wrote a song !! I'm so excited about the ones to follow. I'm not sure if I wanna perform it when I get back to the shore. ahhhh confidence lol

Dear Sis,

Remember when we were little and I used to cut your hair and steal your bottle?? lol Now your hair is longer than mine and you eat more food than I do ! lol We've been through a lot. We used to never get along. We fought so much that we actually stopped speaking for a couple months, and even though I didnt show it, it tore me up. I went to bible study and asked my sisters to pray over our situation. A week later, we were closer than ever and haven't stopped speaking since. THAT was nearly a year ago. God works miracles, yes he does. I can't say I'm closer to anyone than you. We have this weird telepathy thing where, although we dont exactly live the same life, our thoughts are linked. I know exactly how you're thinking and feeling without you ever having to say it. When it's time to get dressed for a family function, or church, we come out of our rooms at the same time wearing the same thing lol I cant even get upset anymore. We're just becoming more and more alike. I have to admit that it kinda pisses me off when everyone thinks YOU'RE older just because you're taller. Oh well. You're always the first person to take care of me when i'm sick. You wrapped my foot when I sprained my toes, and you stayed up and ran me a bath when I had the stomach ...something. Even though you had to go to work in like 3 hours lol You've always had my back and I, yours. You're the bestestest friend anyone could ask for. I used to joke all the time and tell you that I wouldnt tell you I loved you until I was dying and you'd chase me around the house until I said it. You dont have to chase me this time.
Love ya lida ♥

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]