Thursday, April 30, 2009


You know how when you have really oily skin, or even really dry skin ( so, basically any of the two extremes) you're more prone to acne? Unfortunately I have both, but fortunately acne isnt really a problem for me. Anyway lol I like to think of pimples as built up oil and dirt in a single pore. Because there's so much, it pushes its way to the surface and it is now visible. It gets that way b/c there's a problem and you arent taking care of it...and I know sometimes, there's nothing you can do to help it but....
in a lot of cases, you can. Ive been thinking about the problems in my life, and Ive come to the conclusion that I dont want them to become a pimple. I dont want them to keep building on eachother until it surfaces and there's not much I can do about it. I'm thinking maybe if I take care of my spiritual health, my mental health will fix itself. I want my life to be free of blemishes :)

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

8 hours

Guess who finally slept a whole night through!??!!?! ME !!! The first time ive gotten more than 2 hours of sleep in a week and a half ! I'm so happy and rested! Id like to thank my mattress, my pillow, and prayer :)

I went out to the musem yesterday to clear my head. A lot has been going on lately, and I just needed to get away. I put my phone away so that I couldnt be reached, and I just enjoyed my day. I got a meal, spoke to a few people I didnt know and just sat out in the sun. It was such a beautiful day. My favorite pair of flip flops broke but luckily I had another pair on me. Thank you Jesus for having me take another one. Yesterday was the best day that ive had in a long time and im grateful that I got to be alive for it.

At night my sister's older sister contacted me and told me she was missing. We were searching for her ...for about 6 hours when we finally found out that she was @ home...about to go to the dentist. She didnt tell anyone !!! I'm just glad she's ok. I'm also happy that everything is working out for my Other half lol

Things are looking up :)

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


So, this is what death feels like


What do I do to deserve the things people put me through ? I swear it's like I wear a sign saying "screw me over". ugh ! Idk what's going on -- no one's telling me anything
I just wanna wake up.
I'm slipping into this .....slump. Not so much a depression but it's definitely a funk. I cant be that person again, but it's so easy when your emotions are on crack. Why am I like this ? I usually handle stress well....
but this one is too much. Too much right now. What am I gonna do ?! What CAN I do?!

Monday, April 27, 2009

This is like one of those films where the main character is always lost

If a man wants to be there, he'll stop at nothing to stay
yea, that's what I thought too.
...moving on
Ive abandoned my figure skating for a year.....I probably suck and I need to call my coach to see when I can get some practice time in. ughh!!! I could have been so good by now. I'm angry with myself for so many reasons. && too, I havent painted in like a week or so. I havent drawn in about a month. How did I neglect my art too??? Ive written a bunch of stuff but that's fine. I only write when i'm depressed lol I'm really not trying to go there right now. I cant wait til the summer ! I get to hang out with my friends who have left me for school lol stupid ppl
I start school in the fall ( again). Junior year couldnt have come sooner. I was supposed to be graduating this year but due to financial issues, I had to leave. Round 2.

I promise i'll get better @ this blogging thing but it's rather difficult when everything is a mess and I DONT wanna tell you about it. I just want things to be ok again, but....who know's when that'll happen.
until then, I can just pretend that i'm fine
:) << good enough?

Sunday, April 26, 2009


Loved it. I wasnt expecting to like that movie THAT much especially because I think Beyonce is a horrible actress lol It was good though. Idris Elba helped it out, in my opinion, because he was actually a good husband. He is one good lookin brotha

tonight is In Treatment and Brave New Voices
cant wait :)

Friday, April 24, 2009

Send me, I'll go

I've seen it with my own two
there's no way I could show you
a perfectly poverty stricken people with no view
and I bet you cant believe this
they never heard of Jesus
heard of yung joc, lil wayne, and young jeezy
no one's signing up to go on missions this summer
rather sit at home and watch x'hibit pimpin a hummer
while a 9 yr old is shot down
no one's screamin stop now

So look what Christ did
not so we can stay in
side our comfort zones at home in mommas basement
get out on the grind yall
aint no better time dawg
kno ya read the great commission let me just remind yall
"make disciples of the nations, teach them to obey the Lord"
hate to never lead someone to Christ before I face the Lord

And the number's, they be gettn me
somethin still aint hittn em
America aint Christian they just practicin the ritual

love those lyrics
I love Jesus man!


Sorry, im just not feeln this

Thursday, April 23, 2009


It's days like this that help me to come to terms with how blessed I truly am. I'll expound more on this when I get the chance to talk to someone very special to me. It just doesnt feel right him not knowing. lol but i'm so happy :)

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


I feel outta touch wit reality -- I'm praying these words I write down will bring earth back to me. Hearing his voice will make everything aight again/ gonna keep calln in the middle of this fall until his reassurance helps me win the fight again

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


...gotta read it more. He's the source of my strength and joy right
so why dont I go to him more often than I do? You've got some work to do my dear. I put on some gospel this morning
which I do pretty much every morning ...and I instantly felt happier. The problem didnt go away but Ive realized that it's not about making the problem go away. It's about being content in whatever situation you get thrown into.
Thank you for the wisdom you've given me lord

my friend Ronny just posted this
im gonna put it here so that I can keep it in mind

God has created u as a tall tree, yes u will catch much wind. u may bend from time to time, but please dont break.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Busy Busy Busy

I'm finding that i'm becoming more and more preoccupied as the days go by lol I'm still going to stay true to my word and blog about something everyday but I feel like im cheating by just writing a couple of words. Commitment is an issue lol gossssh
ok still trying to get things straight
but it's hard doing it by myself with no real guidance
i guess this is what growing up is all about
i swear, i dont like this lol But if it's what I have to do -- then it's what I have to do

Sunday, April 19, 2009


Know what annoys me ? When people only contact you when they need to talk or when they need you to do something. ugh

idk when wont be busy....
I'll write a real post soon. I guess you can just have fun reading "rain dance"

Saturday, April 18, 2009


is the day that the Lord has made
So rejoice !

Friday, April 17, 2009


I'm hoping I can get some painting and writing done this weekend. Ive been slacking

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Hugs -Kisses- Sunshine

I was on youtube, and I was watching this video by a transgendered...anorexic guy. He is, literally, the most spirited and warm hearted person that ive ever had the pleasure of seeing. If you were to look at him...
you'd probably pity him or think he was sickly but, he's so happy! I envy him a little lol He finds happiness in every situation
we should all be that way

btw, the h/k/s [ n the title] came from him

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Rain Dance

When I stepped outside today, I was surprised to find rain. Not just any rain....
rain that fell sideways. To me, that's the worst kind of rain there is. You cant walk normally in this kinda rain
you have to tilt your umbrella so that it catches the drops sneaking up beside you
and when the wind changes directions
so must you
it's a pain
so, I'm walking.....
about 15 steps later, I realized that I forgot the mail that I was going to drop off at the post office. So, yay! I had to go back to the house. Once I got what I needed, I went back out of the house and started walking once again. I looked out and over to the road, I saw that there were a bunch of cars so I made sure to stay close to the gate.
All of a sudden, I was SPLASHED with water
not just any water
rain water....
water that had been sitting in a puddle for probably over an hour
water that was splashed by other cars .....and their dirty tires that trekked over other parts of dirty asphalt
water that was hugged by a curb dipped in mud

that water drenched my face, clothes, boots, and my bag.... and I was mortified.
I was PISSED.....but I laughed lol

That got me to thinking....

Situations aren't going to always be a 'cool drink of water'.
They're going to suck
....they're going to weigh you down sometimes
sometimes you may get your feet stuck in mud
and sometimes you'll feel like you're drowning

but you've gotta raise your head above sea level and get back up. I guess I'm writing this b/c I needed to be my own pick me up.
I walked the rest of the way to the post office with a smile
&& when I came home, I painted.
Today was a good day

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


I'm in pain
i hate being sick
...still gonna write a blog tmrw
regardless of how i feel


Monday, April 13, 2009


Why does it seem like when you cant have something, that's when you want it the most ? lol Or when you cant do something...thats when you really wanna do it/ gr
like when you dont have a car and suddenly you really wanna take a drive.

frustrations man lol

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Happy Easter

lol why is it that on the holiday's you're supposed to be happiest on, you end up being very angry ?
I mean, I was but....
my sister had stick stuck up her bum and my mother blamed ME for it. Goodness I dont think I can take much more of this.
Ive been sooo .......disengaged lately
i cant seem to stay focused on anything but the future since nothing's happening in the present. I'm preparing for things and making lists so that when the time comes
things will be a little easier. I'm gonna do this

[ side note:: I KEEP sneezing. I srsly think that sneezing is annoying lol ]

hope yall had a great holiday

Saturday, April 11, 2009


this guy walks up to me and says hi
i say hi back and then he says a bunch of other stuff that I cant remember. He goes on to ask my age and when I told him I was 20, he was VERY surprised. He said he was 21, but ....what I wanna know is, why he wanted someone younger lol When he approached me, he thought I was a teenager. Gross. Anyway, he asked my name...and so i told him. I didnt ask his because I didnt care. When he asked if he could get to know me, I told him that he couldn't because I have a boyfriend.
[here's the kicker]
"I dont want to date your boyfriend"
I went off. I was like , I didnt tell you that I have a boyfriend because I thought you might have wanted him....I told you because I dont want you. The mere fact that I even mentioned him means that my relationship means more to me than a potential ANYTHING with you. You should respect that
and he's like "no, it's not that..I just was nice meeting you"
If I left my bf FOR him, which I wouldnt, what makes him think I wouldnt do the same thing TO him?

Friday, April 10, 2009

Faith isnt faith til it's all you have left to hold onto

Now, more than ever, i'm being tested. The people around me...
my friends and family arent very encouraging and I swear, if I werent so strong
id crumble by even the slightest bit of doubt. If i'm ever going to get anything done or go anywhere in life i'm going to have to rely on myself ( and God). I cant look to other people for help and I cant depend on them because one day they may not be there. I'm learning this the hard way. There's a passage in the book of Luke that talks about your friends and family betraying you and I believe that's what's happening to me now. Not so much as outright betrayal but I dont think that anyone is really trying to uplift me and support my dreams. Well, I take that back
....3 people are. They SHOULD know whow they are lol No need for name dropping.

I will be successful
Lord, I need you

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Nightmare on Bellamy way

I try to stay away from watching scary movies by myself because they really do freak me out. Lately, though, I've been having bad dreams regardless of what I watch. It's really starting to bug me. I know WHY i'm having them but right now...the cause of the dreams isnt gonna go away, at least not for a couple months and so...i just wanna get rid of them so I can sleep through the night. I hate this ! I sleep for like 2 hours and then im awakened and I stay up because I dont want to go back to sleep. I feel like a child but who in the world wants to be afraid in their dreams!? I thought nightmares were things you grew out of. Ive been having them for my whole life. It could be suppressed stress or whatever but ....
idk and I really dont care, I just want it to go away. Maybe I should add that to my prayer list.

Is this normal?! I feel like it isnt

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I'm reflecting

upon a time when I thought I was having a heart attack lol

now, yall remember when you were little and you were'd call for your momma
shoooooot even when she was the one who whooped ur behind, you called her too

so, ok....
on this particular day I wasnt feeling too well so I stretched out across my bed and decided not to go to class. Then this pain came// dude, I couldnt even freakn breathe ! ( ok....I could breathe -- it was just difficult)
the only thing I thought to do was to call my mother. I told her that I thought I was having a heart attack && that my arm and jaw felt funny.

She laughed at me, told me it was gas and that if I felt that bad ...I should probably call 911

note to self :: dont call mom if dying
-end note

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Random Rambles pt.1

*This guy pulled over on the side of the road and asked me if I wanted to buy socks. Now, one...i'm already wearing socks && two, what makes him think that id buy socks from some random dude in a mini van?! Get a job!

* I went to the bank, and I was on the phone with an automatic service from MY bank. As I was hanging up...the security guard of the bank came up behind me and banged on the counter "UM...YOU NEED TO PUT YOUR CALL ON HOLD". I thought should I be polite, or should I be myself needless to say, I dont think she'll ever bang on any counter around me ever again. I was pissed because the phone wasnt to my ear when she did it, my call had ended, and that was just plain rude.

* As I was coming from the bank, this guy asked me how I was. I speak to everyone if they speak to I told him that I was alright and I asked him how he was and kept it movin. When I was comin from another store, he was still standin outside-- "pssssst! where you goin"
If I wasnt a Chrsitian !!! I mean, what does it matter where i'm goin! ugh! You get one little greeting and you think we're datin lol leave me alone

* At the beauty supply store, I spoke to the lil Asian chick @ the counter and proceeded to look around. All at once, I notice the rest of the people that work there....go to their stations. If anyone asked them, they'd probably say that they did this just so they could be ready in case I wanted to buy something. I'm not stupid though, they wanted to see if I would steal. I left. I dont wanna buy anything from anyone who thinks im not capable of purchasing something

* At rite aid, I waited in line before buying some stuff for my skin. When I get up to the counter, the lady paused and asked the man in the OTHER line if he was ready to check out. I went off. I'm like "Look, ive been waiting in this line just like he has. There are the same number of peope in each, 2! So why would you ask him if he's ready like my place in line means nothing ? " She let me continue my purchase.

Maybe I was just in a bad mood today, but some stuff people do...just really gets under my skin.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Brave new voices

Was the title of the poetry series on HBO and it was quite interesting hearing those young people spit poems from the heart like that. Ive always enjoyed spoken word because
so much emotion is put into it
it's like a play where you write the script. "In Treatment" was VERY good and im soooo glad that it comes on today too!!! I'm definitely liking this lineup. I'm screwing up the time && day that House comes on
so, ive been missing both that && WCG Ultimate Gamer but luckily I can find those online. The Hills comes on tonight as well [ season primere] and i'm super excited.

I know that it seems like I watch a lot of tv
but I swear that I dont.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

I'm anticipating

the HBO show about poetry. I cant remember the title right now but if anyone knows me well, they know that poetry and art have my heart lol It should be a good show, and i'll let you know how I feel about it when it comes on. Also, a psychology show comes on called "in treatment" sorry// i suck @ capitalization
just takes too much time to execute
anyway, im glad they FINALLY have a good show about psychology and therapy sessions b/c Frasier and Dr.Phil werent cuttn it.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

A stumble may prevent a fall

set backs set you up for a come back
postponements aren't definite no's

[/sometimes you have to tell yourself these things until you believe it]

tata for now

Friday, April 3, 2009

Eco Friendly

I was thinking...
we may be closer to "going green" than we think.
Newspapers are going to die....they're going to put "The Washington Post" in the obituary section. The world is getting rid of all paper things one sheet at a time. We're slowly converting to a total computerized nation and while I cant say that I'm ready for it, I am eager to see how they'll 'reboot' when something crashes. The Metro changed from paper cards to hard plastic ones. I can remember plane tickets were paper too! At the stores, they'd give you a small index-sized card used to track how many times you frequented the spot. Now, they have small plastic cards that they scan at the register.Even money ( dollars) are being replaced with credit cards. I have to admit that this way is way more efficient however, relying solely on a computer just isn't smart. Sure, we can program it to do whatever we like but what happens when things backfire?
In the long run, I can see this being better for the earth. Less trees will be cut down, so the earth will benefit from that but still....
being dependent on a device ? That just doesn't sit right with me. We saw the fall of education when computers were introduced. People don't even read actual books for book reports anymore, they "google" it. This has made us lazy! I believe that the advancement of technology had good intentions but what we're choosing to do with it isnt very wise in the academic sense.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

OK! i'm skinny...I get it

...but that's really not any better than calling someone fat, you DO know that ...
since when has a person ever preferred the term "skinny" over "thin""small"?? Never! Unless they're starving themselves. I EAT!

People must think that because the world wants to be skinny, that i'm fine with that label. Dont call me anything lol
Dont tell me, or anyone, when there's been noticeable weight gain or loss
Dont alert us to changes in the way our clothes fit
...not only is it not your business, it's also kind of rude.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Dear Mr.M√ľnchausen,

you're looking quite ill today.

What is it with people who thrive off giving themselves disorders? Is it an overcompensation for how piteous they feel in real life? Is that the ONLY way you can get attention? Really!?
ugh I wasnt going to write about this, I was going to completely stay away from it but something just pissed me off-- so here goes
Nothing is wrong with you! Nothing ! You want to think there is so that it makes you slightly more interesting than a dead fly under someone's shoe. You can try to say you have an addiction but...we all know that you dont // it just gives you something to stress about, try to stay away from and a reason to 'lose your hair'. I think you like to worry
...I do
I think you like having people ask you what's wrong so that you can start this huge venting session about your life and how it's been going in a downward spiral from the moment you uttered "da-da". Is this the only way you feel important ? Seriously!?!?
Give us a break! Cut us all some slack and just stop talking
stop BEING
just ....stop
because i'm not sure that I can take anymore and i'm not too fond of being the ear to your "problems". You should probably see a doctor,'re right are sick
you're losing your mind.

Love Came Around

So, i'm listening to the new {Keri, Kanye, && Neyo } 'joint' <
lol ( thanks Starr)
and it got me to thinking....
do you really have a choice in who you fall in love with ? There's been a couple times when I couldnt help but be drawn to someone.....
so... is love voluntary?
There are two quotes that come to mind::
"you cant help who you fall in love with "
and " love is a choice"
so, which one is true? I guess you could side with them both

It's you who allows yourself to be vulnerable to fall ...
but then again, sometimes it creeps up on you and before you know it, you're already "knocked down"-- head over heels love.

I'm not sure how it happens....why....or when
but I know I like it. I love it !! It's amazing