Thursday, July 8, 2010

A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Speak To

Dear Speed/ Great Uncle Thomas

I miss you. I cant go over to, what used to be, your house without feeling the instant pang of sadness. You left a huge void that no one could ever fill. I still think about the good times we shared and I can definitely say you're irreplaceable. Every morning, you would walk my sis and I to school. One particular morning, the winter before you left us, you fell. Your hips wouldn't support you and neither would your knees, and you went tumbling into the snow.Your face hit the snow so hard that it blacked your eye.  I was so scared. I kept screaming for you to get up praying that you hadn't died. When you got up, I was so relieved I hugged you and we continued onto school. I remember praying all throughout the day that you made it home alright. A bit of a bruise formed where you fell, so you had no choice but to tell grandma. Although she didnt really care, everyone else did. You were very loved. When we'd come home, you'd give us peanut chews from your
pocket. They stuck to our teeth lol you said that meant it was good but not good for you. I think back on the times the school bus would pass us and you'd joke about how we had to be smart to ride the bus. And since we couldnt (ride the bus), we'd try our hardest to prove we really were intelligent by throwing random questions and facts at you. In reality, we didnt ride the bus because there was no bus for our school. When grandma would watch her soap operas, you and I would share a bag of chips, usually bbq or something cheese flavored. You had your first dorito with me !  During lunch, you ate with us. I miss those times.
In the year 1998, you passed away. I was 9 years old turning 10...I remember how hot it was that summer. How you would sit outside on the porch and smoke a cigarette, and then come back in and joke around with my little sister and I. A couple of days prior, you fell again. Grandma had you sleep in the basement of the house. The problem was that it was very dark and had no railing to safely climb the stairs. You kind of had to follow along with your hand gripping the rough edges of the concrete wall. I guess it wasnt enough because you missed your step and fell. You said you were alright, but over time it just got worse. You were admitted into the hospital and it shook the whole family up. I was in baltimore with my little sister and my dad at the time. We had made it all the way back home and he gave us a can of peanuts to eat while he spoke on the phone to my mom who was giving him the news. The next day, we went up to the hospital to see you. You didnt want my sis and I to see you in that condition and I was so angry. I knew that you were going to die soon, but I was praying so hard that you wouldnt. Maybe it was selfish of me to want more time with you when God was calling you home. The truth was, though, you really were like my bestfriend. You were the most loving person in our family.You may have been the smallest, but you were definitely the strongest- the one that kept us all together.  That was the first time I cried for days about losing someone. I dont think I could wrap my head around the whole thing. I wasnt allowed to see you in the hospital, I wasnt allowed to go to the funeral or the burial. What makes it worse is that grandma buried you in a secret spot and no one could find your body until 11 years later. I used to get on the internet and look for your resting place, I couldnt come up with anything. They have sites where you can see a virtual cemetery. It has all of the spots with names along with them. It wasnt until later that we realized that your grave was unmarked (no gravestone). Grandpa did a lot of research to find you. The graveyard you were placed in was abandoned and unkept. I'm sorry she did that to you :( I kept seeing you after you died. I saw you outside in a baseball cap wearing a blue plaid shirt. And I saw you at the dinner table where we ate meals together. You were still sitting across from me smiling. There was one day, maybe a month after all of this happened, I was sitting in the room that should have been yours. I heard a whisper and I felt something tap me on the shoulder. When I looked, all I saw were the flickering lights of the tv and the woman on tv said "it's alright". I never saw you again after that. I dont know if that was my mind, or God telling me that it was gonna be ok. To this day I cant go down to the basement and I cant eat peanut chews. They remind me too much of you and I still cry when I think of you. I wish you didnt have to go, but I'm so thankful for the time I got to spend with you.

The one good thing that came from your passing was you accepting Christ as your savior. That made me so happy to know that you'd be with Jesus now. If I could say anything to you, id ask you if God gave you a porch to sit on in heaven and I want to let you know that you made such an impact on our lives. We still keep your ashtray right where you left it. I love you speed and I really miss you.


[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

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