iRamble

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

2011-04-25T15:57:00.000-04:00

Here's what I dont get about atheists...and people who are confused about their religion.
First, you should know that this is coming from my thoughts about an article I just read. There's this guy named James Frey and he wrote a book entitled "The Final Testament of the Holy Bible". He's thinking of making it into a movie but here's where the problem lies; it's completely blasphemous. He's saying Jesus comes back as a bisexual, an ex-alcoholic, and one who impregnated a prostitute. None of which are true.
Now back to what I was saying, I don't get why people who don't believe in Christianity make fun of it or make a profit off that which they don't believe in. If it's not worth your life ( meaning, you don't spend your life believing in it, then you shouldn't gain anything from it career wise. Like I just don't get it. You mean to tell me you actually had nothing else to write about except a Savior you don't believe saved you? That's like me, not believing in Egyptian Gods going hard on a book making fun of the whole idea. It's a waste of time ! If you don't believe it, fine. But it's extremely immature to make fun of a faith you dont understand.

Best. Valentines. Day Ever.

2011-02-14T20:02:00.000-05:00

When your heart stops, so does time. It felt like forever and I hurt more with each tear that I dropped. As you hugged me, It felt as if you were leaving even though you hadnt moved at all. A part of me wanted you to.
Because you never claimed me, I demand sole custody of my love. I'm not giving it freely anymore.

.inadequate.

2010-12-27T02:29:00.000-05:00

I cant say it doesnt hurt. It does and always has. The honest truth is that I've never felt good enough. Not worthy of anyone's time or breathing space. I guess i'm bringing this up because it's really just...taking a toll on everything. I wish I could truly have the self esteem I portray to everyone else. I dont. I know the biblical answer to this : You're more precious than rubies, Jesus loves you, he cares about you when no one else does. I get that believe me I do but what happens when you dont necessarily FEEL loved? I'm not saying that I dont feel loved by Christ, I do. But I wish I felt truly loved by everyone else. I know that the world will never completely accept someone who follows Christ but
...idk
Another thing is...I'm tired of dating. I'm tired of just...not being who the dude wants me to be and then them getting mad when I refuse to conform to their version of beautiful. I cant do it. It's exhausting constantly refuting everything and constantly saying "no I wont do that...it's not me". Seriously! God, im just tired. I'm waiting on my second wind to come so I can finish running this race. Where are the guys who will love you just as you are. Where are the PEOPLE who will take you as you are ? I feel like people see the potential in you before they see YOU. That's a problem. What if I never live up to your potential? ugh I'm frustrated.

Word is Bond

2010-10-18T11:16:00.000-04:00

Ive been thinking a lot about how your word is a binding contract. Think about it; if you say something, im supposed to believe you because
a. I trust you
b. you're not supposed to lie
Forget about if something is an obvious joke. If you say something I'm going to believe you because I should.

I need to write more

2010-10-14T15:41:00.001-04:00

For 30 days, I will write one entry. Starting tomorrow lol
no seriously, tomorrow. I'm about to get off work and I have to get off the computer lol later blog :)

Thinkin bout u

2010-08-05T09:30:00.007-04:00

giving me LIFE right now !!!

I'm annoyed with Christians

2010-08-02T10:24:00.003-04:00

Salisbury breeds nothing but self righteous and holier than thou Christians and it's really pissing me off. Like, I dont know WHAT God is trying to get me to learn, but i'm absolutely fed up. One thing I can say is that I've been holding my tongue a lot more. People here still consider me kinda...."in your face", but at least i'm not cussing anyone out (...win? lol). grrr
I cant take it lol
Acting like they have no problems
That no one with sin can talk to them
They're the ANSWER to everyone's problems
Doing the exact opposite of what they preach

..... it's too much. Like, if you have to announce that you wont participate in conversation because you didnt speak to God about it first, something's wrong with you. Number 1, that shouldnt be something you boast about. && number 2, your relationship with God is just that...YOUR relationship. I feel like statements like that are more about trying to change the people around you without first trying to work on yourself. It kinda places you on a pedestal and makes it so no one even WANTS to be on your level. Lead by example...not with your words. Even Jesus himself lowered his status to be like the people he served. No one was above anyone...even though he was, he never put it in your face. I'm also annoyed with people who CRAVE attention. Is your self esteem THAT low? Or...Christians who compare their walk with someone elses to kinda make themselves seem like the better Christian instead of just FREAKN HELPING THE PERSON...or praying for them...or just LOVING THEM!?
I cant stand fake prophets ....i'm just done. These people are driving me crazy. I already cut them all off but we were kinda forced to spend two days together and it made me even more irritated than I was before. How does a "prophet" not know what the holy spirit sounds like!? news flash, it's probably not God you're hearing that's telling you the blessings others have received have come from someone other than God Wtf!? That just sounds like you're jealous or have a miscommunication thingie going on.This is the exact crap that pushes people away from Christianity and church all together.
So staring August 24th, there's definitely going to be a shift back to some of the ways I used to do things. It's not personal, it's business. I'll still be cordial ( which is new to me lol), but we wont be all buddy buddy.I've learned that you HAVE to love everyone, but you certainly dont have to be their company. I starting the "cutting" process last semester and it will continue onto this one. I seriously dont have time for people who arent being a blessing to the people in their lives. Thats crazy to me. I'm gonna pray that someone in this, possibly even myself, receives a divine revelation b/c it has to stop.

seriously, if this summer has taught me anything, it was:
to guard my heart
put your trust in no one but the Lord
love everyone and forgive immediately
be a person of your word
and stuff happens, but then God moves.

FIN

2010-07-28T10:09:00.000-04:00

I dont think i've ever been THIS excited for something to come to an end but GOODNESS I was sick of writing letters lol It was fun in the beginning, but I grew to be annoyed with it. yesssss!!!!!!

A lot of things are on my mind but this blog isnt private enough to spill those out. Darn :/
plus, I guess these arent things that are supposed to leave your mind anyway. I need to call my dad though. I havent spoken to him since sunday and that isnt cool. I dont know why i'm so tired all the time...well, I mean..I know it's because I rarely get sleep but lately it has been getting worse. It could be the vitamins i'm taking. I looked it up and it said something about if the vitamin is not in the same form as it would be in food, it takes longer to digest so all of your energy goes to digesting the pill and it makes you tired. Shoot, makes sense to me lol The foods I eat dont really have vitamins ( I don't think). I eat, like, noodles and rice and stuff lmbo I want to start taking more pictures. I do so much and I document none of it !! or i'll document and not post it. I suck.
This weekend i'll be with my friends from school. I have to admit that i'm getting home sick (.....home meaning my school home). I miss everybody and doing our daily routines and just ...going out. grrrr
It wont be long now. Toast to a great semester. I'm gonna claim it and praise in advance for a wonderful school year. Thank you Jesus !

Dear Reflection,

2010-07-27T00:00:00.000-04:00

Despite what your eyes see, you're beautiful. It's a shame no one has ever told you this before...and meant it but i'm telling you now. Believe it. I know you'll humbly say thank you but never really accept the fact that you are a rare gem. I wish people hadnt thrown stones at you and told you that you were less than what you were and weighed more than what you actually do. I wish you could believe that what you see is what actually is. No distortions. You're scarred...yes. But lovely just the same. One day someone will appreciate all you are, but it'll only come after you do. Embrace yourself. Love who you've become. Your hair is fine, your skin is fine, and so is your weight. Screw anyone who doesnt think so

-the mirror

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

The person you want to tell everything to.....but are too afraid // The Reader

2010-07-26T12:51:00.001-04:00

Id rather skip this one. I cant even figure out what to write in this lol the thing im too afraid to write OR about the person I wish I could tell everything to. I know that this wont be a problem for long, im just being a chicken right now. *sigh*

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Anyway, I watched "The Reader" with my best friend last night. There were so many things that I didnt like about that movie.
They were naked all the time
They actually had an older woman with someone younger than she was....sexually. That calls for retakes and grossness.
There were parts of the movie that you had to raise an eyebrow to
I just...didnt like kate's character at all. idk
My bestfriend and I were just like "wth did I just watch" lol I mean, we couldnt have been more baffled. The plot was NOT confusing lol I hate when ppl are like "You didnt get it because you didnt understand it "...no. It was very clear. They had a relationship/// sort of an affair considering their lives and ages. He would come read to her after school and then they'd have sex. Her life was very lonely ( no friends or family), so she was probably desperate for interaction. She often kept him at a distance because getting too close would cause her to have to reveal things about herself that she was ashamed of. When he was near that soft area, she would push him away. She moved away without telling him ....my guess is because she thought it would be, both, easier for her and easier on him ( to move on). But he finds her later ...standing trial for being a guard during the war. He is now a law student. She participated in the selection of the Jews who got killed. "I was just making room for the new ones". Now, the way they had her to be....she was fully aware of what she did, she just had a hard time seeing how it was wrong, really. You could tell she didnt COMPLETELY agree, but there was still apart of her that couldnt see any other option. She referred to them as prisoners ( the Jews) which, to me, dehumanizes them and places zero responsibility on you. Anyway, she told the judge that she wasnt alone in the selection process, that the women who were sitting next to her were also guilty. They got upset with her for telling and come against her saying she was the leader of all of this and that she wrote everyone's testimony. This is where we find out that she cannot write as flashbacks roll on the screen. She always asked him to read to her, she never wrote anything, and when they had to read the menu ...she asked him to go first and she got what he got. So, it was impossible for her to have written the testimony for the ladies, she's incapable of writing at all. She didnt tell them this, her pride kept her from dong so. Because of this, she admitted to it and was sentenced life in prison whereas the other women only got less than 5 ( which, to me, isnt enough...they killed people!!). Her lover boy begins sending her tapes....tapes of him reading to her. She listens to them and decides she wants to learn to read and write. So, she goes to the prison library and checks out the book he read to her and follows along with him. Circling "like" words and ones she recognized. Soon, she's able to write a letter and she sends him one. She continues to do this for a while until she realizes he isnt going to write back. That discouraged her and made her quite sad...b/c he was still sending tapes, he just didnt want to talk to her. I guess he was still upset over what happened and with his own marital problems. Continuing on...
He is notified by the prison that she had served 20 years and that she was up for release. Because she has no friends or family, she'd need a place to stay. He was very standoffish in his reply saying "that was very kind of you, thank you". I guess thanks for lettin me know. He meets with her later and explains that he found her somewhere to live and work. She was grateful but you could tell she wanted to stay with him. At the end of the visit she asks him to read to her ....there's a pause and then she says "that's over now , isnt it?". I forgot what he said lol but it was over. He wasnt going to continue it....not in person. She, then, asks if he was married and they spoke about that. A couple of days later she was to be released. We see her stacking her books on her table, taking off her shoes and mounting the table. We dont see what happens next but one can only assume that she's hanged herself. The man is taken to her room , when he comes to collect her, and he learns of the news. Her body isnt there but she left a note and money to be given to the daughter of the only survivor of the concentration camp fire. The daughter refuses the money, so he keeps it in order to put it to a charity for illiteracy. At the end of the movie, he confirms that she did kill herself and then he explains to his daughter who this woman was and what she meant to him.

Scenes from the concentration camp ...and her facial expressions and body language while at the camp would have totally intensified this movie. Also, just more background story, period. It was lacking in a few areas but the acting was phenomenal.

Someone that changed your life

2010-07-25T00:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Jesus,

I didnt think id be writing to you, but you, above all else, have changed my life tremendously. I never saw the wrong in what I was doing until you showed me. I never knew true happiness before you either. I guess what I want to say is thank you. If not for you, I know id be pregnant or in hell or something. Thank you for your sacrifice and loving me even when I found myself to be unlovable. You're so awesome.

Your daughter

The friendliest person you knew for only one day

2010-07-24T00:49:00.001-04:00

Dear.....chick,

I wanna let you know that, even though this was YEARS ago (5), I still remember it like it was yesterday and its STILL one of the best days of my life. I dont know your name and you dont know mine, but your small gesture made my entire day...no, better yet, existence lol I'll illustrate the moment for those who werent there ...
I was leaving my dorm to meet my friends for breakfast as I always did on the weekends. I was slightly irritated because I knew that they werent going to be on time and I was dealing with stress from back at home. So, im walking and this girl is suddenly standing in front of me with the biggest grin on her face. I was SO puzzled. Before I knew it, she was opening her arms and closing in for a hug. I gave her one because I didnt wanna seem like a jerk lol But dude, that hug was the nicest thing anyone had ever done. At first I was resisting the idea of hugging a stranger, but 3 seconds in and I was totally forgetting about everything that was happening to me. This wasnt some ....girl on girl action, I could literally feel her sympathizing with me. It was like she was sent there to make me feel better. So, thank you chick. Before you, I didnt know that there could be genuinely nice people in the world. You have changed my entire perspective on life and I couldnt appreciate you more. I wish I knew your name :/

sincerely
me

Reflection

2010-07-23T14:17:00.000-04:00

Ive been going through a lot over the past couple of...whatever. Like, internally. I have this desire to be a better person but I dont know how to execute that. Although I know that Jesus is the way...and to be righteous, you have to imitate him, I STILL feel justified in my reactions to people and things. I still feel it's ok to be pissed off if someone annoys you. I know that I cant be, though, so how to I go about denying my feelings and picking up my cross? I just....do it? I know these are difficult questions...and I know people arent supposed to admit this stuff, but I am. I cant help that I feel ....like.....idk. Truth is, my feelings dont matter. All that matters is glorifying him. So if im a little uncomfortable, so be it.

The last person you made a pinky promise to /with

2010-07-23T13:48:00.000-04:00

Dear chunk,

You were famous for making and breaking pinky promises and i'm not sure you even knew it lol needless to say, I wont be making them again. They suck.

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Someone you know who is going through the worst of times

2010-07-22T00:01:00.001-04:00

Dear A,

I havent known you for very long, but in the short time that we've been acquainted we became close. One could even argue that we're flesh and blood lol
In our exchanges, you've expressed to me that things are tough for you right now and I want you to know that you are not in this alone. I've told you this before, but your situations are temporary. It's important that when we're going through something, we change perspectives. Try on the eyes of God and see it from his view. Breakthroughs dont happen TO us, they happen IN and THROUGH us. I know that you'll see the purpose for this minor bump in the road. But until then, know that he will never place you in a situation you arent perfectly capable of overcoming with his help. He's a very loving and just God. Remember the last struggle you were going through? Helped you! Hebrews says that he's the same God...so if he's done it before, he can do it again. Dont lost hope. "Dont lose confidence, for it holds great rewards for you"-Hebrews 10:35

I love you bro
Robyn ♥

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

The person that gave you your favorite memory // TV

2010-07-21T12:24:00.002-04:00

Ummm
Dear Glo and Genelle,

We took one of the craziest...most random spur of the moment trips to new york and I can honestly say that I have never had so much fun. I love you guys so much and although we dont speak very much anymore ( we no longer go to the same school), I can definitely say that you girls were the best female friends I have come across in a long time. We're so alike it's crazy. I pray we get to hang out again soon. I miss you more than you can even rationalize lol

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ] ...sorta

Did anyone watch MTV last night ? There's a show called "If You Really Knew Me" and i'm in LOVE with it. A challenge group comes into a school that has been having some problems and they help the students set aside their differences and have a talk. They put them in groups they ...otherwise, wouldnt sit in and they start off ( each person) "If you really knew me, you'd know that..." and you reveal a couple of things about yourself. The exercise has the goal of getting you to be able to really know someone outside of their appearance or social status. A lot of the kids found that they were very much like many of the kids they neglected to speak to. It broke so many barriers. I feel like a lot of schools should have this.

Degrassi: The boiling point has me HOOKED!!! I love marathons and I love that they're having one episode a day. 30 mins is a tease though...but I appreciate the 2 hour special they gave us on monday. Thank you teen nick and canada tv lol

I have a dream....

2010-07-20T13:25:00.000-04:00

Ok...So it's dream time again. This one is confusing to me.
I was sitting on the living room floor asking my older sister about my friend emily. She doesnt even know who emily is, but I was asking her about Em. She said that she sold her baby to a family who eats kids. I thought that was ridiculous so I called her ( I dont have her number) and she never mentioned her son. Her son should be about 3-4 now. I kept bringing him up but she'd change the subject. So, I got my friends together and we took a trip to where she was...but then it turned into us trying to survive on a HUGE float. It had a roof and a floor (obv) but now sides. Well, there was a storm and it was tossing us every which way...so I started to hold on. My friends were getting blown into the water and there was nothing I could do to really save them b/c id die....not knowing how to swim and all. These police officers somehow got on board and started arresting us one by one. Before they got to both my friend lawrence and I , we got off the boat. The sun came out and I ran into what we thought was a corner store/ post office. Suddenly all of the water dried up and we were in the suburbs .....in what looked like the 50s. We werent supposed to be there. There was arguing in the front but we didnt know what it was about. Some people walked in and all of these cameras were going off and the guy went upstairs. Turns out we were in a hotel. Before we knew it, the place blew up and it was MLK who had just walked in. We ran ad fast as we could behind the dumpster outside. We had to figure out what we were gonna do but we couldnt just walk around outside. We'd probably get shot. So we took back roads...in between dumpsters and trees. This nice man found us and hid us in his house not even caring what his neighbors would think. And then I woke up
what the HECK did I eat last night lmbo

The last person you kissed

2010-07-20T01:55:00.001-04:00

Id rather NOT write to the last person I kissed only because i've written about him in one of these letters before lol I'll let you guess which one. Anyway, make sure that the people you kiss are important to you. Ever since I read "I kissed dating goodbye", I've viewed dating, kissing, and everything in between and beyond...so much differently. Nothing is casual to me anymore. I love it this way. Tomorrow i'm going to re-read the book to brush up on things I may have forgotten.

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ] ...sorta

Someone you want to give a second chance to

2010-07-19T01:44:00.001-04:00

There's absolutely no one that I would give a second chance to lol Things end for a reason. So, with that being said, It's time to change clothes. Do something different to get something different.

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ] ...sorta

Someone you judged by their first impression

2010-07-18T20:09:00.001-04:00

Dear Dave,

I have to admit, I thought you were a dog lol A playa and I definitely didnt like you. I guess because I only heard one side to a story that I just figured that you were the way this person was saying. I didnt realize that hurt people say some hurtful things. You're actually very cool and a very good friend. We have more in common than I thought and I'm so very blessed to call you my brother. Sorry for judging you, bruh.

love ya

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

The one that broke your heart that hardest/worst

2010-07-17T10:55:00.000-04:00

Dear....you already know who you are lol

This will not be an angry post ...b/c we're like, bestfriends now. I feel like, that's what should come from any type of relationship. You took 3 years out of my life and while it was the hardest thing I had ever put myself through, i'm so grateful that I got to spend that time with you. The fact of the matter is, though, that you hurt me REALLY badly. Our whole...everything was like some ghetto love story. "Baby Boy" without the abuse. We have 3 years of both good and bad memories // history and whenever I find myself doing the same thing ....going to the movies and getting stuck there and coming home @ 4am...orrrr driving to denny's in the middle of the night, I think about you and it brings a smile to my face. I learned the most from you and honestly, it sucked but it was great at the same time. Oh! And out of it, you found someone who fit you so much better than I ever would have. I'm happy for you. I'll always love ya !

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

ABORTION

2010-07-16T13:58:00.002-04:00

A-bor-tion [uh-bawr-shuh n]
       -the removal of an embryo or fetus from the uterus in order to end a pregnancy.
   -any of various surgical methods for terminating a pregnancy, esp. during the first six months.

I think a woman should have the right to do whatever she wants to do with her body. Cut it up, slice it, set it on fire...you get the picture. I mean, it's her body, right ? I don't, however, think she can make the decision to KILL a child after she already made the choice to do an action that could have made the child in the first place. THAT body is not her body. That's like God bringing you into this world and saying "haha !! never mind !Just kidding. I'm actually not all that responsible. I cant take care of you". Just like that, your life is snatched away from you. But it's not a baby yet. No? not a baby? What are you pregnant with, if not a child? Plenty of parents get attached to the kid as soon as they find out that they're carrying. Are they delusional? So if not a baby, what is it ? a seed...you know, like a fetus/ embryo. When a farmer scans his crops, he points to areas neatly plowed, points and says "those are my pumpkin, squash, and cucumber". He will not say "these are my seeds". No, he speak as though they are, because they are.
Ive heard many arguments for why abortion may be ok (in consideration of the baby). Two stood out:
the baby doesn't feel it
the baby wont remember it

A person who has Congenital insensitivity to pain or CIP (sometimes CIPA if you add anhidrosis) cannot feel pain or extreme temperatures. Some cant even sweat. Are they less of a person because they have this disorder? Does it make them less of a human? No. Whether they can feel pain or not, they're human. Someone in a coma may not respond to pain at all, but they're still human too!

Think back to your earliest memory. It was probably of a really happy moment, or something traumatic or equally surprising. Psychologists say you probably wont remember being a baby. In fact, nothing earlier than the age of 2 or 3 can be recalled .Yes, this even means you wont remember coming out of the womb. But, you were definitely alive and kicking when you were a baby. A woman who has Alzheimer's cannot remember her husbands name. She's been married to him for 55 years, but she just cant come up with anything besides "the man that stays with me". Does her lack of a long term memory make her less of a human?
Our memories have a lot to do with the hippocampus in our brain, which isnt fully devolved at the time of birth and is still growing and changing after that. Because of this, and because of our lack of language at the time, the schema used for recalling and storing memory is much different from the ones we have as adults. THAT makes memory a tricky thing. If the way I processed memory yesterday was different than the way I process memory today, I may have a bit of difficulty recalling what happened yesterday because i'm not using the same system. I'm still human though.

I saw a video of an abortion of a 12wk old baby via ultrasound. You could see everything the child was going through at the time of extraction. This baby felt the pain, and although s/he may not remember it ( it wont live for much longer), this baby is a human. Abortion- The Silent Scream (if you want, you can fast forward to 12:50 this guy is pretty boring in the beginning, but the whole video is fascinating). What is shown is the baby reacting to the paint felt during extraction. The baby screams, and tries to move away from the instrument pulling it from the uterus. All of the things you would do if you were alive and currently undergoing that kind of pressure, stress, and pain.

Just because the baby may not feel or remember it, it gives you no more right to dispose of what you consider to be a mistake. Likewise, whether a person can feel the pain or not, killing a person who has CIP and Alzheimer's is still murder. Life (growing, adapting, storing energy, capable of reproduction, made up of cells, responds to the environment ) begins at conception. They ARE human ( capable of language, and higher learning and thinking, has a pair of 23 chromosomes etc). Murder is illegal. Abortion is murdering a child, so it should be illegal as well. Abortion shouldn't be a birth control! You have the choice to be a parent, and you made that choice when you had sex. You do not, however, have the choice to kill what is already made. Give this baby a chance to live and the choice to do whatever he or she wishes to do with its body/life. Adoption is a lovely choice.

Someone who pesters your mind. Good or Bad

2010-07-16T13:56:00.003-04:00

Dear...
Last night I dreamt that I changed my status to saying something about you. The whole school ( we were in high school in my dream), was raving about it. Like "awwww u still care" lol I woke up HAPPY b/c I didnt actually do that. Do you know how much that would ruin me ? lol B/c I dont feel that way about you. You bug me. I cant explain it but you really do. I know it's because you care, and I know it's because you dont know how else to be....but darn it lol I dont know what in the world to do with you. . You're just gonna be one of those people that doesnt leave my life and i'm fine with that. Sorry i'm being vague, to whomever (probably no one) is reading this. You're mad cool dude...but super annoying

"I keep on running and nothing works, I cant get away from you. I keep on ducking... you nothing else, I cant stop missing you. " The last part isnt really true lol but I love "Erase Me" by Kid Cudi

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Someone you wish you could be

2010-07-15T11:02:00.001-04:00

To me, this cant be a letter. I dont wish I was a certain person, but rather, that I had certain attributes. I guess, then, I wouldnt be the Robyn everyone knows and "loves". Anyway
I wish I were more kind and considerate.
I wish I didnt LOVE being alone so much. When you dont prefer the company of other people, they think you're ignoring them or that you dont like them. Giving, although I do it a lot, would come easier if I wasn't selfish at times. I'm good at like... a lot of things. I know a good amount of information to hold a conversation about anything ( but spike lee joints), but I don't know enough of one thing to be an expert in it ( I don't think). I wanna improve that. I wish I liked talking on the phone like every other female, but I just dont. I keep thinking about other things I could be doing with my time. I wish it didnt take so long for me to get into a routine, as a matter of fact !! I wish I committed to things . grrrr
im complicated

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Someone from your childhood

2010-07-14T23:33:00.001-04:00

Dear Heather,

You have a twin, and I cant remember her name but I know that my sister and I grew up with you. You lived two houses down from my grandmother and you had the most exciting house. It was the first time I had seen wall to wall hard wood floors. I cant remember if it was you or your sister, but one of you taught me about dragon fly's. We ran sooo fast from them lol We have exactly one picture together. Two pairs of sisters....
it's so amazing how friendship knows no color when you're young. Not that it does now, at least not to me. But when you're older, everything gets so complicated. You two ended up moving after a while. I never got even know your last name. I will say, though, that you guys were really great friends.

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Someone not in the state/ country

2010-07-13T09:31:00.002-04:00

Dear Carla,

You are on your way to Haiti, I believe Jeff said you'd be stopping somewhere in the states for training..anyway...I wish you the best of luck. I pray that God leads you and moves you in ways you haven't ever been moved before. I know that this is something we all prayed for, for you to get the chance to go and praise God that you were able to!! I just know he's going to do wonderful things for you and for the people there. Allow him to speak through you- he always equips us with the right words to say when we're not able to produce them. I'll miss ya girl

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

The Person You Miss The Most // Dream

2010-07-12T13:34:00.002-04:00

Dear Speed,

Ive written to you already, but I wanted to again. I dont think you understand how much I miss you :(

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Usually, whatever i'm exposed to LAST will determine the contents of my dream. So, I was reading an article about tattoos and Christians, talking to Ernest, and talking to who would have been my sorority sister...anndddd looking at photos.
Here's the dream. For some reason I got back with my ex boyfriend ( i dont like him or anything but he "liked" my status before I went to sleep and that's how he made it into my dream. also, my other ex just had a baby and I spoke to him last night too). He was crazy though and in a punk rock band. So all of my sorority sisters and their bf's went on a shopping spree to get Christmas gifts for family members. It was weird b/c all of us, along with our families, lived in a townhouse complex. Anyway, at the store, it was about to close and I was trying to get gifts for my sister so I could pretend it came from my nephew. You know, a cute little gift. I kept running into people at the store though and it was prolonging the process. I was trying to call my uncle for his shoe size and then I remembered that if I did that, he would know i'm buying shoes...soooo I had to call my aunt who was giving me a hard time about everything. Asking why I needed to know and crap so she got hung up on ( in reality, I wouldnt have done that). Some people had left already so we were left with ONE car to fit the gifts and all of us in. It wasnt enough. About 12 ppl had to "lap up". My friend Notoshia found this secret seat that she unrolled and we were the only two sitting comfortably. ANYWAY, we make it to the townhouses and i go get my sister to get the gifts and hide them. Just then, it turns from winter to summer...blazing hot summer. I decide to go for a walk, and then I "forgot" where I lived so i'm just walking around. I turn around and there's a biker gang. Not like, motorcycles...i mean like, spokes and wheels and a hand break...bikes lol Ernest, Markus, my friend George, and some other random ppl. They followed me half a block until I asked then what they were doing and Markus tries to answer but Ernest cuts him off and says "Unicorns!!"..I cut Ernest off and said "dont you say it!!!" and Markus gets all excited, not knowing it's apart of the song and says "I LOVE THEM!!!!" lol so now, for some reason, i have on roller blades that shoot out bullets and I start shooting them. and then I woke up

Tattoos/ Piercings

2010-07-11T18:57:00.002-04:00

A person, who i'm guessing was offended by my statuses, mistook me for judging people. Preaching the gospel is different from judging. I make it a point to never judge someone, but If asked, i'm not going to tell you God approves of what you're doing. That's not judging. I mention this because there are people who actually DO use the word to judge and it's pissing me off. I was outside and someone ( whose name will not be mentioned) said that someone at work had a lot of tattoos. I thought "omg....another talk about tattoos and piercings". Honestly, i'm sick of people coming down hard on others for this. It could be because I, myself, have piercings galore lol But also, I know how it feels to be judged. It sucks!! SO why would you treat someone else that way and claim that Christ lives inside of you? Ive heard this person say, in the same conversation , that they talked about people at work because they weren't as groomed. That hurt my heart a little bit. Instead of helping, you hinder? I'M NOT the most friendly person alive. I know that about myself, but I also know that it's not cool to be that way so I try to change. I have zero tolerance for people who talk about other people. I have a very similar tolerance for those who pass judgment on those who choose to get a freakn hole in their ear.

This is my whole issue about piercings. One sin is not over the other. The unjust is judged with the same law as the just. So, if it were that piercings were a sin, wouldn't every female be at fault ?? If one piercing wasnt any worse than several? And with tattoos, you could make the argument that it was said in Leviticus that tattoos were despised, but not in the new testament. So are tattoos ok? Since leviticus was the old order ( and no, that doesnt give you a pass for drinking....you cannot drink lol 1 Corinthians 10:31 says that it must be for the Glory of God and I hardly see how it would be if a couple times throughout the bible it talks down about drinking). anyway, my point is, you shouldnt judge people. The law you're using against them is used against you too !! People make modifications to themselves everyday! Plastic surgery, hair dying, contacts etc...some are permanent, some arent. You're "technically" marking your body like it says not to do. If you dont want someone to talk about you, dont talk about other people when you DONT know what you're talking about. Also, you dont know at what point these people got the tattoo, and how they feel about it now. They could have gotten while they were young, and since...found that maybe it wasnt the best idea. It certainly makes a person like this relatable. If you're ministering to someone who looks like you do, there's less intimidation. While I do believe that the body is a temple, I dont believe you're going to hell for putting a tattoo on it. I feel like conservative people are using that one scripture to discriminate. I dont think you should go crazy....but hey, that's me. I'm not God. No one is without fault. Remember that! Our mission in LIFE is to preach the gospel, live by his word, and to love one another. That is IT! By doing those, we'll cover the bases.
I'm a walking masterpiece. You can love me, or hate me for it.

Christians with tattoos. Awesome stories

Religion &Tattoos

Dreams && Ernest lol

2010-07-11T12:54:00.000-04:00

I had a dream with my buddy Ernest in it lol we were in school ( idk which one) and he was trynna find a gf. i stole someone's baby and was trying to feed them. Like, I was looking for bottles everywhere. One hallway of the school had a line of mothers laying down beside lockers, feeding their kids.

so on our journey down the street.....he had a jeep with NO seatbelts. only handles lmbo They had little steel arm holes that you had to stick your hands in. Kinda like on a roller coaster but less safe. we were holding on for dear life. All of a sudden something hurls at the car. we got hit and fell out. We lost the car...it got totaled and then disappeared. so we're walking along the road and then this HUGE flying alien type thing that throws fire is chasing us. It was like some super action movie with the car chases and crap lol and ernie goes "its cool...its ok...just parappa him" lol ( like parappa the rapper) so he starts rappn....and it starts dying

i lost the baby :( and ernest didnt find his chicky boo lol

Someone you've drifted away from

2010-07-11T12:45:00.004-04:00

Dear Drifter,

I guess our lives are just different now. I dont blame either you or myself for the distance that grew between us. I wish it weren't like this, but I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to talk to you about anything. I miss the days when we'd talk for hours, but I know that those times arent these. I have a lot going on, and so do you. I find comfort in knowing that whenever I need you, you're there. And likewise, i'm there for you . I hope that in the future, we can be a huge part of eachothers lives and keep our friendship.

love you

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Someone you wish could forgive you

2010-07-10T12:37:00.001-04:00

I dont think there's anyone that wont forgive me lol So, again, this letter is difficult. Usually it's me who has the forgiveness problem, to be quite honest. The people around me are quite forgiving which let's me know what I have to work on. So yeah, no letter today.

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Happy Birthday Mukhtar !

2010-07-09T14:33:00.001-04:00

I forgot to post this. I believe this was on the 5th of May, 2010. An ordinary man is driving the bus. This is probably the same route he does everyday and he doesnt see many exciting things. You can imagine his surprise when the one person begins to sing the song...and then others join in.....and then there's an entire crowd waiting for him in the middle of the street. This type of appreciation for people is what makes me happy. I nearly cried while watching this because I was just so happy for him. Yesterday, I thought, Im not sure that I have ever cried out of pure joy before. I was wrong. This video gets me every single time.

When's the last time you did something nice for someone to expect nothing in return?

Ramble

2010-07-09T14:16:00.006-04:00

Today's letter was supposed to be written for someone you hate. I dont hate anyone, so I cant write that letter. God said love em like he loves the church, right ? lol
I'll just do a regular blog...

I woke up extremely frustrated. My mother didnt tell me that my uncle was coming over ( a little before 7), so it woke me up. I got about 3 hours of sleep TOTAL. She ruined a dream about me and John Legend meeting lol I was pissed! I couldnt be too upset at him ( even though I wanted to be ) because he told my mother, in advance, that he was coming. My mom just forgot to drop that very important information by me. So, that left me annoyed and cheated out of precious Z's.

A friend of mine suggested that I watch a movie called Shrink. I dont know whether I have a nervous habit or if that movie was actually supposed to be funny, but during a few parts I couldnt help but laugh. Robin Williams, whom I love, was in the movie- uncredited. I was confused as to why they wouldnt credit a man as great as he is. I mean, he was in Awakenings a movie about a guy who had encephalitis lethargica and Robin Williams was his doctor. I mean, it was astronomical! I'm getting off topic, I figure they had him to be unscripted because it was a cameo appearance. I guess it was a cameo, he was on screen for about ( if I remember correctly) two scenes out of the movie. He delivered a full dialogue though...a bit of a monologue. Anyway, the therapist had a drug problem. To me, that movie sorta resembled my life ...when i'm at a weak spot. Everyone runs to me for help and I need help myself. It was refreshing to see a movie like that. I love independent films, they're soooooo obscure.

My nephew came over the other day!! He lights up my life, I swear !!! I have three nephews but he's the one I see the most often. If you wanna see a kid who's crazy about serving the Lord, have ONE conversation with him and you'll definitely be like "I wanna be like him when I grow up". He lectured me on credit, cars, and cellphones and he's only 9. He's going places I tell ya.

They took twilight off SyFy ( formerly scifi) for the 4th of July. I truly feel jipped lol They ONLY show the show twice a year and now we're reduced to one time for the Greatest American Heroes wth is that!? ughh lol they're ruining classics and traditions :/ If a network x's The Cosby Show im setting something ablaze.

This post may be added to....
Im not sure yet. I dont have much else to say at the moment though. I'm gonna go do some research

later loves ♥

A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Speak To

2010-07-08T12:17:00.002-04:00

Dear Speed/ Great Uncle Thomas

I miss you. I cant go over to, what used to be, your house without feeling the instant pang of sadness. You left a huge void that no one could ever fill. I still think about the good times we shared and I can definitely say you're irreplaceable. Every morning, you would walk my sis and I to school. One particular morning, the winter before you left us, you fell. Your hips wouldn't support you and neither would your knees, and you went tumbling into the snow.Your face hit the snow so hard that it blacked your eye. I was so scared. I kept screaming for you to get up praying that you hadn't died. When you got up, I was so relieved I hugged you and we continued onto school. I remember praying all throughout the day that you made it home alright. A bit of a bruise formed where you fell, so you had no choice but to tell grandma. Although she didnt really care, everyone else did. You were very loved. When we'd come home, you'd give us peanut chews from your

pocket. They stuck to our teeth lol you said that meant it was good but not good for you. I think back on the times the school bus would pass us and you'd joke about how we had to be smart to ride the bus. And since we couldnt (ride the bus), we'd try our hardest to prove we really were intelligent by throwing random questions and facts at you. In reality, we didnt ride the bus because there was no bus for our school. When grandma would watch her soap operas, you and I would share a bag of chips, usually bbq or something cheese flavored. You had your first dorito with me ! During lunch, you ate with us. I miss those times.
In the year 1998, you passed away. I was 9 years old turning 10...I remember how hot it was that summer. How you would sit outside on the porch and smoke a cigarette, and then come back in and joke around with my little sister and I. A couple of days prior, you fell again. Grandma had you sleep in the basement of the house. The problem was that it was very dark and had no railing to safely climb the stairs. You kind of had to follow along with your hand gripping the rough edges of the concrete wall. I guess it wasnt enough because you missed your step and fell. You said you were alright, but over time it just got worse. You were admitted into the hospital and it shook the whole family up. I was in baltimore with my little sister and my dad at the time. We had made it all the way back home and he gave us a can of peanuts to eat while he spoke on the phone to my mom who was giving him the news. The next day, we went up to the hospital to see you. You didnt want my sis and I to see you in that condition and I was so angry. I knew that you were going to die soon, but I was praying so hard that you wouldnt. Maybe it was selfish of me to want more time with you when God was calling you home. The truth was, though, you really were like my bestfriend. You were the most loving person in our family.You may have been the smallest, but you were definitely the strongest- the one that kept us all together. That was the first time I cried for days about losing someone. I dont think I could wrap my head around the whole thing. I wasnt allowed to see you in the hospital, I wasnt allowed to go to the funeral or the burial. What makes it worse is that grandma buried you in a secret spot and no one could find your body until 11 years later. I used to get on the internet and look for your resting place, I couldnt come up with anything. They have sites where you can see a virtual cemetery. It has all of the spots with names along with them. It wasnt until later that we realized that your grave was unmarked (no gravestone). Grandpa did a lot of research to find you. The graveyard you were placed in was abandoned and unkept. I'm sorry she did that to you :( I kept seeing you after you died. I saw you outside in a baseball cap wearing a blue plaid shirt. And I saw you at the dinner table where we ate meals together. You were still sitting across from me smiling. There was one day, maybe a month after all of this happened, I was sitting in the room that should have been yours. I heard a whisper and I felt something tap me on the shoulder. When I looked, all I saw were the flickering lights of the tv and the woman on tv said "it's alright". I never saw you again after that. I dont know if that was my mind, or God telling me that it was gonna be ok. To this day I cant go down to the basement and I cant eat peanut chews. They remind me too much of you and I still cry when I think of you. I wish you didnt have to go, but I'm so thankful for the time I got to spend with you.

The one good thing that came from your passing was you accepting Christ as your savior. That made me so happy to know that you'd be with Jesus now. If I could say anything to you, id ask you if God gave you a porch to sit on in heaven and I want to let you know that you made such an impact on our lives. We still keep your ashtray right where you left it. I love you speed and I really miss you.

-Robyn

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Someone I wish I spoke to more

2010-07-07T12:45:00.001-04:00

Dear Hermano,

You actually called me last night when you got off work lol but still, I wish we spoke more. It sucks that you have two jobs and you're always tired. Guess I just miss ya. It was good to catch up with you and to have long-winded random rants about world issues and then end it with religion lol I freakn love you dude

-Roberto

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Someone I wish I could meet

2010-07-06T14:33:00.001-04:00

Dear Grandma,

I remember one mothers day I saw my dad cry. It was the first and last time I saw him show that type of emotion, and I was around 5 years old. I'm 21 now, and to this day he never brings you up. I have never seen a picture of you, and I don't even know your name. I do know, however, that you and your husband left him. You held him for a brief moment after he was born, but after that he never felt your arms hug him. He has never heard you tell him you love him, and he will never know what it's like to have parents. No thanks to you guys, he grew up to be wonderful. Although he grew up poor, and was forced to join the military, my father is the epitome of a great dad. My dad isnt perfect, but at least he was there. He couldnt give me everything I wanted, but he certainly went through hell and high water to provide for me what I needed. You could have done that. I hope that wherever you are, you thought about him and regretted giving him up. You have never tried to find him, or even know who ended up being. You didnt care whether he was even living! If I had the chance to meet you, I would just ask you why you did that to him. He thinks about you a lot. I can see it every time the holiday comes around. I'm hoping that if you're still alive, he at least gets to see what you look like. He misses you...
or at the very least, the thought of you.

Your granddaughter

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Dear Internet Friend,

2010-07-05T10:07:00.001-04:00

You and I have had the best friendship that I've ever had with anyone. I dont know if that's sad or a good thing lol I've known you since ..somewhere around middle school. I am now a senior ( should have graduated this year) in college. That's a long time !! We've seen each other through breakups, fights, happy moments, special occasions, and just random conversations that never seem to end until 3am. Honestly, I dont think i'd know what love was if it werent for you. I truly do love you. Although we have different faiths...we somehow manage to make it work. We dont disrespect each other and we always encourage the other. I've never had someone as THERE for me as you have been and you're across the United States. We know that, no matter what, the other person is going to be there. A text in the middle of the night will be answered. If someone paints a toenail lol it will be shared. We share beauty secrets, secret-secrets, jokes, articles. I mean, it also helps that you're into photography and art just like I am. I consider myself blessed to know you. You're definitely a wonderful person even though you dont think you are. You're beautiful inside and out...and I know a lot of people say that, but I cant say that ABOUT a lot of people lol I hope we can be friends for a very long time. I still carry the letter that you wrote to me...in my wallet. Nope lol I havent taken it out!! Still in the envelope and everything. I look forward to sending many more Christmas cards and endless nights of sharing videos and stories. I know that when you get married or have kids, i'll be included in that as well. Find comfort in knowing that you wont be left out of my life as things start unfolding for me...as you never have been.
I love you girl !!!

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

A History Lesson// WWII Memorial and Independence Day

2010-07-04T07:20:00.004-04:00

I'll try to make this as interesting (condensed) as possible :]

World War I kinda shook things up in Europe and resulted in a shift in the balance of power. As you can image, many countries weren't ok with this. Japan invaded china, Germany invaded Poland. I mean everyone was kickn butt lol Ok so WWII .Germany also invaded France, the Netherlands, and Belgium. Italy declared war on France, but then France surrendered. So they were divided between Italy and Germany. This meant that France was now neutralized. Germany, then, sought an invasion of Great Britain. They failed once ( if my memory serves me correct) and then with the help of french ports, they succeeded over Britain. Japan is still kickn china's butt lol So, the US ( a neutral ) assisted china along with other allies. So, formed were the allies and the axis powers. Germany, of course was apart of the axis, and the US and great Britain, apart of the allies. Our Navy protected British convoys and they helped us when they could. This resulted in Germany getting pissed at us, and we had to engage in a naval warfare. A lot of other stuff happens and eventually it's GLOBAL. Japan started attacking great Britain and American holdings and this led the allies to formally declare war on japan. Germany and other countries responded by declaring war on the US. D day was the day we defeated the German army, and we continued to push back the German forces. Germany tried one last time to come back, but ultimately the Allies won. after the war, the UN was formed. The economy was exhausted. There were many casualties, some innocent, and many soldiers. During this time, there was the holocaust so that added to the death toll.

I was looking at different photography. I found this picture and immediately became preoccupied with the writing to the right of the statue. I started googling the people etched in the stone with no results. I looked closer *zooming in* and saw that one of the people from Maryland was a SGT. I thought "could this be a war memorial". I found some additional information on the photo.

Photograph taken by: Lorissa Shepstone

It was taken at the Cambridge American Cemetery. It was established as a temporary military cemetery (say that 5xs fast) in 1943 on the land donated by the University of Cambridge. The site was later deemed as "the only permanent American World War II military cemetery in the British Isles and was dedicated 16 July 1956." It is one of fourteen permanent American World War II military cemetery memorials erected on foreign soil by the American Battle Monuments Commission.
Anyway, the picture that I found had the word "To Defend" at the top. I actually thought that "To Defend" was the name of it. So I googled that as well. I found out that "To Defend" was apart of a larger inscription. Its from The Golden book and it reads "THE AMERICANS, WHOSE NAMES HERE APPEAR,WERE PART OF THE PRICE THAT FREE MEN FOR THE SECOND TIME IN THIS CENTURY HAVE BEEN FORCED TO PAY TO DEFEND HUMAN LIBERTY AND RIGHTS ALL WHO SHALL HEREAFTER LIVE IN FREEDOM WILL BE HERE REMINDED THAT TO THESE MEN AND THEIR COMRADES WE OWE A DEBT TO BE PAID WITH GRATEFUL REMEMBRANCE OF THEIR SACRIFICE AND THE HIGH RESOLVE THAT THE CAUSE FOR WHICH THEY DIED SHALL LIVE ETERNALLY". Along the wall are four statues: a soldier, a sailor, an airman and a Coast Guardsman.The names that ran the length of the memorial were the names of a little more than 5,000 lost/missing soldiers.
May we never take our lives or our freedom for granted. May we forever remember the lives lost and the heart and souls poured out on the battlefield.

The Church of England ( COE) was THE church lol I mean, they had control of everything. They WERE the government. So, it makes sense to me why, if anyone was to rebel, they also rebelled religion. They also forced everyone to go to church, you had no choice and there was only one belief. If you're forced into doing something, you dont really want to do it. This led to the enlightenment // great awakening , and the age of reason. Ok so, colonies were setting up shop in America. Get this though, they were STILL apart of the COE. Meaning, their tax money went there. Great Britain controlled everything that went on in America because they were still apart of the church. Remember, settlers from England came to America, and with them came their religion. It started in England, but in America people started the reformation process. Pretty much, taking a look at their beliefs, and seeing what was wrong with it, and improving it. So they were pretty much making their own religions lol In fact, America was known for its freedom of religion. Many different colonies were formed simply because they believed something different. We had Quakers, Puritans, Catholics...you name, we had it. Because of the opposing views that were forming, America wanted to be separated from Great Britain. Religion played a huge part in the American Revolution ( a war between the 13 colonies and Great Britain for independence).They maintained that God was all for it and would help them out. Ministers served as priests in the military,and also on congress. Which , again, makes religion and the government one in the same. We won the American Revolution and it deeply damaged the COE. After the American Revolution, the second continental congress was formed. They adopted the declaration of independence, and it was signed on the 4th of July in 1781. Which brings us to our independence day!!
John Adams wrote to his wife, Abigail,

"The second day of July, 1776, will be the most memorable epoch in the history of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival. It ought to be commemorated as the day of deliverance, by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward forever more."

He was off by a couple days, but he was right about the way we celebrate it !!

Dear Ex,

2010-07-04T07:13:00.002-04:00

I wont give you the satisfaction of even knowing this is about you, but I get the feeling that the point of these letters is to say things we've never said before. I would like to take the time out to thank you for all of the crap you put through for an entire year. You said that it was the best year of your life, but I think you're lying to yourself. Or maybe, you really enjoyed seeing me squirm. Like the master of a torture chamber. I was too blind to know that it wasn't love that you had for me, rather some kind of spell. Some supernatural control for a naive little girl. Before then, I hadn't ever spoken about a guy to anyone else and I certainly never took my issues to church. The thing is, I knew you weren't good for me. I never could find the strength to leave you though...not until I found God--forreal. You told me that you were saved, and I believed you because you wore a suit well, shouted, and sang on Sunday. When I actually took the time to re-evaluate my OWN relationship with God and how a christian is supposed to look, I realized that I had been deceived and taken advantage of. You lied, neglected me, and abused me, but I forgive you . You saw an opportunity and you took it. Ive grown so much since then. I'm so glad that I actually listened to God instead of just inferring what he "meant" for my life. He would never place me with a person who makes me cry every night. And no, they weren't tears of joy. I was happy when I got to the place that I just didn't care anymore. Breaking up with you was hard, but I had to do it. Ignoring your calls, texts, and messages killed me, but I knew that you actually would have if I let you stay in my life. I hid it so well. No one knew I was hurting.
There was a church service, the last one before you got that call from me in the middle of the night, that spoke about forgiveness. I still held so much hatred for you in my heart. He told us to call the person we still have yet to forgive. The phone BURNED in my hand, I held it for so long and so tightly. I called you, told you everything that was going through my mind and I told you that I forgave you. Although I still had work to do I never, from that point on, showed any sort of disdain toward you. That, in itself, is an act of God. I still believe that one day you'll see what you're doing is wrong and you'll come to know Christ as your savior and really surrender your life to him. NOT so that you and I can be together- that ship has long sailed. But so that your sins wont lead you to hell. Although I am no longer in love with you, I love you enough to not want to see you go there. I'll be praying for you. You bruised me, but you didnt break me. I havent given up on love because you were never the definition of it. I know that there's someone who will love me just the way I am without trying to make modifications to my weight and hair. If it werent for you, I wouldnt have known my worth. I wouldnt have the hunger that I have for God right now. I wouldnt spend hours studying His word, and I wouldnt have the standards that I have for men now. I absolutely refuse to let another "you" back into my life. A relationship is supposed to glorify God, not tear down his kingdom. So, while our relationship wasnt fruitful, it helped me blossom. I am now eternally grateful for wisdom, and grace, and for Jesus Christ.

Thank you,
Restored

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

sigh

2010-07-03T12:41:00.000-04:00

What happens when you expect things ?
....someone lets you down.
thanks dad

Dear Stranger,

2010-07-03T10:33:00.001-04:00

I've been watching you ( In the least stalker way possible lol), and I find you remarkable. Chances are slim that you'll read this, but that's ok. If you happen to come across this, however, I hope you know it's you I'm talking about. I often wonder if the people I pass on the street, or metro will ever create a story for me. Or if they get some kind of perception about me that I haven't exactly molded for myself. Even if you dont think you're all that great, I do. I get the feeling that you try very very hard, but you dont think it pays off. It does. You put God first and already, that's a great start! I'm gonna end this now, because Ive been typing all week and i'm sure to get carpal tunnel lol I hope we arent strangers for long

Sincerely,
Just...some girl.

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Everything is beautiful when you're looking through Rose Colored glasses

2010-07-02T14:53:00.005-04:00

....Take em off

I don't listen to much music that isn't christian ( started a month ago...just to help me leave worldly things behind). But my spiritual sister's actual sister posted this. I can identify with the words of this song. I love it.
For me, I didn't see how RIDICULOUS my last relationship was until I sought guidance from my pastor. Things look a lot different when you look at it from another perspective.

Dear Dreams,

2010-07-02T14:19:00.004-04:00

Why do you scare me , confuse me, and leave me hanging ? You havent been good in a long time, and if you were, that would kinda anger me ( not really) because then i'd have to wake up NOT in the dream. I guess I dont really like dreaming. Day dreaming, I dont mind. But actual dreaming I have no control over. Last night, I dreamt that I was at school and I was supposed to be meeting someone in the library, but the school had an "assembly" of some sort. It was outside, and at night. It was also raining with snow outside. I couldnt find my white purse and for some reason my right leg was really hairy lol I was upset because all of my friends had gone earlier and sat in the front and I was left to sit in the back. Very preoccupied with not having my white purse, I didnt really know what the announcement was about. I woke up soon after that because my mom was blasting filth ( Jerry Springer. Who knew that still aired??).
What that dream has to do with anything, I havent the slightest. I wish, at the end of every dream, there was a sign or a voice over that told you the analysis of your dreams lol

Signed,
Scared Stupid

“I am no longer cursed by poverty because I took possession of my own mind, and that mind has yielded me every material thing I want, and much more than I need. But this power of mind is a universal one, available to the humblest person as it is to the greatest.”

Andrew Carnegie

[ random]
-->I saw The Crazies last night. It scared the crap out of me. You know how on tv they show the girl next to her boyfriend...kinda in fetal position with one hand covering her mouth and the other hand sort of spread over her eyes so that she can KINDA see and kinda not. That was me....minus the boyfriend lol I thought "I must look so ridiculous right now". It truly scared me though. And then there was this loud sound...and I jumped!! lol

-->My dad is coming over tomorrow, that should be cool. I love that dude.

-->I want a camera. I need to express my love of photography through actual photos lol Time to invest

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Bond Servant For Christ

2010-07-01T19:48:00.001-04:00

Two times last week I got told that I go too hard for God lol
I find this funny because they would prefer me to be lukewarm. I'm sooo glad that I've read Galatians 1:10.
Obviously, I'm not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant. NLT
I'm not out here yelling at people in their faces about repentance, but I don't shy away from preaching the gospel. I don't think, as Christians, we're supposed to. I always get a little happy when I see Jehovah's Witnesses eager to tell people what they believe. Although we hold opposing views, at least SOMEONE's religion has everyone on board lol My point is (well, I actually hadn't really argued it yet but) God comes first. He does ! And if someone has a problem with Christ being the center of my life, oh well. lol I DO talk about other things, but I cant help that I love and depend on Jesus. I wont apologize for it either. Before I got saved, I wasnt completely sold out to Jesus (haha obv). I gave him half of me and that wasnt fair. When I got saved, I held a torch for him for a little while and then it fizzled. I prayed for days to get my passion back, and it didnt come. I went to bible study and asked my sisters what they do when they've kinda reached a plateau in their walk. They explained to me that if we went off our emotions ( flesh) as a determining factor for whether or not we were crazy about God, we'd almost always let Satan tell us we're losing it. We need to think about what he's done for us, how much love went into his sacrifice, and what salvation truly means and then ask ourselves again how much we love God. I cannot think about the grace and mercy that the Lord has shown me without being truly grateful. There's absolutely no way ...NONE...that i'm letting go. Call me an extremist, a Jesus freak, whatever. idc. It's me and Jesus.

I haven't been able to find a job, and it's kind of getting me down. I know the Lord is a provider, though, so i'll hold onto his promise. In other news, I wrote a song !! I'm so excited about the ones to follow. I'm not sure if I wanna perform it when I get back to the shore. ahhhh confidence lol

Dear Sis,

2010-07-01T13:10:00.004-04:00

Remember when we were little and I used to cut your hair and steal your bottle?? lol Now your hair is longer than mine and you eat more food than I do ! lol We've been through a lot. We used to never get along. We fought so much that we actually stopped speaking for a couple months, and even though I didnt show it, it tore me up. I went to bible study and asked my sisters to pray over our situation. A week later, we were closer than ever and haven't stopped speaking since. THAT was nearly a year ago. God works miracles, yes he does. I can't say I'm closer to anyone than you. We have this weird telepathy thing where, although we dont exactly live the same life, our thoughts are linked. I know exactly how you're thinking and feeling without you ever having to say it. When it's time to get dressed for a family function, or church, we come out of our rooms at the same time wearing the same thing lol I cant even get upset anymore. We're just becoming more and more alike. I have to admit that it kinda pisses me off when everyone thinks YOU'RE older just because you're taller. Oh well. You're always the first person to take care of me when i'm sick. You wrapped my foot when I sprained my toes, and you stayed up and ran me a bath when I had the stomach ...something. Even though you had to go to work in like 3 hours lol You've always had my back and I, yours. You're the bestestest friend anyone could ask for. I used to joke all the time and tell you that I wouldnt tell you I loved you until I was dying and you'd chase me around the house until I said it. You dont have to chase me this time.
Love ya lida ♥

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Dear Mr && Mrs Smith

2010-06-30T00:40:00.004-04:00

You give me life.

I know that you birthed me, mom, but the two of you literally keep me going. You’ve instilled in me the values I now hold and have perfected for myself.

Mom- you taught me how to carry myself as a lady. Everything I believe about women and femininity came from you. Self confidence Is something you exude and I find comfort in knowing that even if I tried, I’ll never be as good as you. You are the best mother who has ever lived. YES you get on my nerves lol but you’re so loving. You’ve sacrificed so much just to see us all smile, and I cannot tell you how appreciative I am of your selflessness. I got my voice from you. With You each day is a song I want to keep on repeat. You’re always encouraging, always smiling, and always always there. Thank you.

Pops- gosh..it’s been a long ride. Each time I think about how far we’ve come, I just want to cry. I can think of all of the times I didn’t have a word to say to you. I can think of the times when I wished you were gone and then, when you did leave…I couldn’t think of anything but clicking my heels three times so that you could come home. I’m so glad we’ve strengthened our relationship. From the way you’ve treated me, I never want to settle for a guy who does less for me than you do. I deserve the very best, you taught me that. But you’ve also given me my sense of humor and ways of thinking. My entire personality comes from you. Ive learned forgiveness from you, and tons and tons of bible scriptures lol You’ve always appreciated my art, and made me feel like I was the smartest kid to have ever lived.

Together, you were the perfect parents. You were counselors, protectors, and friends. I couldn’t have asked for more…and I wouldn’t dream of asking for someone different. The Lord knew exactly what he was doing when he made you two my parents. Thanks for loving me and taking me as I am. I know I’m a bit much haha but you just…gosh. Idk lol no words can sum it up.

Just, thank you.

Love,

your oldest daughter from the second set // princess lol

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Dear Crush

2010-06-29T12:15:00.003-04:00

...I don't have a crush. I always think about who I'll end up liking though

He didnt’t really have a shape or color but

He loves me to pieces

His arms were strong enough to hold me

Smile bright enough to light up my day

Smart enough to stump me

I examined him like a spectacle

He would be my miracle

My Gabriel

I would steal him back from the sky if heaven tried to rob him from me

Tear apart the clouds until I retrieved my king

And parade my prize throughout the streets

Hoping he’d remember me

Anything …from this moment

In my daydream…

I placed two palms on either side of his face

Expanding my hands like wings

Across the clear sky that engulfed us

And cuffing air so I could retrieve it when I had lost my breath

holding that position for a second -thinking “remember me”

he would string stars together to form my essence

I would kiss his fingertips so that

When he pointed, it would be in my direction

Always …always following my scent to lead him home

The haven I had prepared for him

He told me he’d set out to find me

Sift through hundreds of mini skirts to find my jeans

Never stopping until his hand settled into mine

Until he could recognize my voice within miles

Until he was right there by my side

So here I am waiting

Not filling his void with some undeserving sap

But still,

With each guy I think it’s him

And I’m always a little disappointed when it isn’t

But ever so optimistic for the day when

he’ll ask me where I’ve been

I know it’ll happen but until then

I’ll be dreaming of him

Hopeless Romantic much? lol
It's cheesy, I know. But I always think about the person God will send to me. I love HARD!! lol So, if I dont exactly come off as a warm person, just know that for whatever reason, I feel like I have to guard my heart and all of my emotions to prevent being hurt again. I understand that now im not just talking about a crush, but rather the person i'll end up marrying but that's how serious it is to me. Dont get me wrong, I'm content with being single. I believe the Lord will have you do things in your singleness to glorify him that you cant quite do in a relationship. && Likewise, in a relationship, there are things the two of you can do that you wouldnt have been able to do apart. So, I dont mind being single one bit. It doesnt hurt to give thought to the dude who'll steal your heart away though :)

Having a crush would be cool....

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Dear Bestfriend,

2010-06-28T11:09:00.005-04:00

I wish you would listen to me. Like, REALLY listen. I told you yesterday that I have spent the majority of my life listening to your problems and while I still stand by that statement, I dont feel like you ever take the time to truly consider the fact that I may need a day to be listened to. I feel like a crutch. I feel like you're just waiting for your turn to talk. Or to tell me how this somehow relates to what HE did or said or something irrelevant. I love you with all of my heart, but this is the reason why I'm irritated when you start on some random tangent. You aren't listening !! A lot of things are learned by listening, for instance....
I learned in psych that a lot of our good memories are connected to a strong smell lol Isn't that cool? Smell is connected to emotion and well, there ya go.
I can be a very blunt, and no bs person, but I never have ever...once...not a day in my life ever been rude to you because I know that's all you've gotten from the people in your life. I don't want to be another one. All I'm asking is that if I have had a bad day ( which I have sometimes), I need you to listen to me and not wait to interject with a story of your own.

Love,
Me

[This is apart of a series of LETTERS ]

Letters to you

2010-06-28T11:08:00.003-04:00

I want to get back into blogging and kat (dannilovescupcakes ) gave me a great idea lol LETTERS!!! wooot!! I'll still mix in my own stuff, but I love this idea. Sooo here goes mannn
the list ::

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

I encourage you ( whomever chooses to read my blog) to do this challenge as well :)

Midnight breadcrumbs

2010-06-28T10:55:00.003-04:00

Have you ever fallen asleep to your stomach pains
let it drown out the headache you got from
listening to the bill collectors ring
it brings you to your knees at night
askin God for the relief just aint in sight
all of your dollars are spent payin what u owe
it dont get no betta than this
on trees it dont grow
pacing pavements to find employment
equals what you do in the day
forget clubbin at love
thursdays are for praying pain away
feeln like ur holdin the roof up with your own two
it's a hard knock life trynna make it w/o u
so im gonna penny pinch
til i get a glimpse of the light thru this tunnel
id wave the white flag if i could
im just too weak to run tho

What am I doin?

2010-06-27T23:05:00.003-04:00

Dang, it's been a minute since I 'rambled'. Sorry brain, you haven't been exercised nearly as much as you should have been. So, I was pitifully watching BET ( dumb idea), and I watched as Drake repeated "what am I doin...oh that's right, i'm doin me". Now, honestly I dont listen to anything but christian music but my little sister was playing that song in the car earlier so I had a chance to hear it on repeat. I started thinking about my life and how I truly DONT know what i'm doing. I thought I was letting God lead me when really I was trying to take control. How many people know that when you let God be the passenger in your car, you're going to crash? Maybe not on the highway where you get to speed and spend your time trying to pass other people, but certainly somewhere along the road.
I've learned that i'm not a very good driver. Not literally (although, that's true too), but I cannot preach Christ, if i'm not allowing him to fully operate my vehicle.
On a side note, The BET awards piss me off. I'm so sick of my brothers and sisters chasing this dream so skillfully painted on the television. It is FAKE !!! I'm not feeln the fact that all of my classmates want to be rappers, and all of my wonderfully talented ladies want to model. Dont get me wrong, that stuff is ambitious and great and all but when it's motivated by these people on tv who wear close to nothing and live NOTHING, the dream is empty.
A little boy passed me on the train and I could see his underwear. Not boxers...underwear. THAT'S how young he was. Why cant we see that the music we listen to and the things we expose ourselves to is corrupting? What am I doing to change it ?

I just wanna be a blessing to someone and idk how to be really.
ugh idk

Ignite

2009-10-05T23:26:00.003-04:00

Jesus, you're my savior. You're the alpha and the omega. My father, my best friend, and my confident. I thank you for keeping me away from temptation and guarding me against my enemies. I thank you for softening my heart and allowing grace and love to fill it up to the rim. Ive realized that I need you, and that the things that overwhelm me...shouldn't b/c I have you && you're bigger than any situation that I could ever go through. i'm so glad that you're readily available to me and I love you for loving me. Lord, I ask that you renew my spirit, mind, and heart every single day. I ask that you help me to see things the way you see them,To break my heart of the things that break yours and to also help me keep in mind that this isnt about me. Humble me, Lord. My understanding is weak, so instead of resting upon it, i'll lean on you. Thank you for being my fortress. God you're just so amazing! I dont even know why you love me and continually forgive me as much as you do but Lord, im so grateful. There's nothing in the world better than someone who stays when everyone else leaves. Lord, because I have you..I know that I dont even need anyone else. That's comforting to me...to know that you'll never go anywhere. I'm so happy that you're in my life and that I can come to you whenever I have a problem with something. You're the gas that keeps me going. YOU'RE it! You're the smile on my face and the reason why I continue to go on. Help me spread your light.

My hope is that I'll capture your fire and keep the flame burning during a storm.

Changes

2009-08-07T12:27:00.009-04:00

It's school time again and something that's really important to me is working out. I think that in addition to preparing your mind, you also need to prepare your body...and what better way than to work out? The only reason why I've been able to maintain is because of my workout schedule.
I do something physical almost everyday ( at school, I workout EVERY day...no exceptions). Granted, I've taken my time out from school FOR granted and it's starting to show lol I'm losing weight because I've been both sick and I haven't been eating the proper amount of food. Also, I haven't kept up with the toning that I'm supposed to be doing. What I am proud of is, I haven't eaten any candy this year. Maybe one bag of skittles and one snickers but still, that's impressive considering I used to hide a box of candy under my bed. When I say "box", I mean, Id clear out all of the water or juice from a whole 24 pack and I'd fill it to the rim with sweets. Ive also cut out soda ( haven't drank soda on the daily since high school), and fast food is no longer something I live off. I hate that whenever I say I'm "not gonna eat this" or that, someone thinks im trying to lose weight. I'm not ! I just like being and staying in shape and I don't think that's a bad thing.
The point of this was to introduce some changes into my regimen

Run at least once a day ( walk first, stretch, jog/run)
Actually count calories and don't eat til full, it takes your brain 20 mins to know when you're full and chances are you're full before you're actually aware of it. Eat slowly.
Stretch about 5x's a day or whenever I think about it.
Drink water all day. Juice only a couple times a week...eventually having none.
Go to bed on time
Study after class and before bed
Stop spending money
Don't eat when you're not hungry
Continue to workout everyday. Alternate b/w Strength training and Aerobics

Read the bible more often; nothing will happen without God.
Most importantly, stick to all of these goals. (You can do it girl ) I know I can lol

&& For the Love of God take vitamins this year ! Sheesh

Best On Mars

2009-08-04T10:39:00.005-04:00

I'm listening to my cousin's song on my myspace, like reaaaalllly listening to it. Every component ( I dont usually give a crap about the instrumental or anything) is amazing. At first, I just liked it because it made me wanna dance but most of the lines and the winding sound in the background are really genius. Although I think some of it could have been worded differently lol im not a musician so what do I really know? I cant stop listening to this song though. I hate autotune most of the time but when used in this song, it adds to the futuristic theme. idk I really like it.
Back to my playlist and dancing around n my room
i'll get a workout or two in today

Hopefully I can finish the two poems I started. Ive been so dry lately lol

Ph.D !?

2009-06-25T14:24:00.003-04:00

I wanna know what you're trying to tell me ! lol Because I dont like being in pain, dont like taking pills....yet i'm ALWAYS hurting. For 2 weeks it's been my ear and now I have a toothache ! Can someone come out from behind a bush and yell GOTCHA ! Seriously! I feel like my whole right side has had some type of trauma and I didnt know about it until after it happened! Screw you anatomy ! I thought I had you all figured out by now. I feed you, and I dress you...I dont smoke or drink or do drugs...
I dont even swear! I take care of our spirituality and everything but you stay sick! I would punch you but that would hurt me. I'm tired of "sleeping it off" because all that does it waste my day. I'm so frustrated. Im not giving the doctors anymore of my money just to have them tell me they arent sure but they'll 'run some tests'. I'm not paying them to make me a science experiment and bill me for a lab fee. Ridiculous !!! && Can someone tell me how my doctor is qualified enough to treat me when she didnt even study medicine !? She has two degrees, one in Psychology and the other in Graphic Design
which one of those spell out medical doctor??? && Yes, I know... " but Psychology requires medical school to be a Psychiatrist" but she only got her BA in it. Screw this !! Me being a black woman couldnt have gotten this job half-qualified! I wanna see some credentials. I'm blaming her for my pain lol b/c she didnt know enough to help me. Loser doctor.

OW

2009-06-15T17:31:00.001-04:00

Why anyone would wanna be a gynecologist...I have no idea
but after this experience, I can tell that im going to be dreading every visit.

Deafening Silence

2009-06-11T21:50:00.003-04:00

You know what sucks ?
Being someone who rarely talks about feelings
finding someone you can share that with
and them not wanting to talk to you

:(

:X

:(

How to tell a GOOD JOKE

2009-06-05T13:48:00.005-04:00

An indication that you have successfully told a joke is that everyone laughs. You laugh when you see everyone else laughing and "yay", you can now consider yourself funny. Now, let me tell you what ISNT a good example of joke telling:
WHEN YOU TRY TO HIT SOMEONE WITH
YOUR CAR
and then chuckle "I was just playing"
..... OOOOH so, that's what it feels like to have someone nearly end your life for their own amusement. I'm glad I know now.

Two strangers in a lot

2009-05-29T19:55:00.006-04:00

I saw him today. As I was walking, I caught a glimpse of the very man I had spent days reading about...coming at me from my right. I looked and then quickly looked away. I couldn't bear to see the hurt in his eyes. As he crossed my path I made sure not to make contact with him. I stood there for a moment in the parking lot...frozen.
7 cars
a grocery store
he and I
A couple of feet apart
....I watched him slowly walk away and I knew he was crying. I could hear the pangs of his tears smash against the concrete // rolling over small pebbles and making it's way to my shoe- connecting us....trapping us in that moment. I wanted so badly to hug him and to let him know that everything was going to be ok, but I knew that it wouldn't be....
not any time soon, at least. What do you say to a person who has lost someone ? I couldn't find the words or the courage to offer him my condolences. I kept thinking " go over there! It might make him feel better".
Suddenly, I saw myself approach him. My arms wrapped around his torso like a daughter hugging her father before starting the first day of school. Like an embrace held before prom, before graduation, and before going off to college. Before a wedding and after purchasing a home. I felt him remembering how it felt to hold his daughter. I could sense him trying to pick up her scent and to picture her smile and the way she'd call him "daddy". I could see him molding my face into hers and changing my hair ....
...and I backed away. Realizing I hadn't done a thing but watch the distance between us grow, i'm regretting not making good use of the time we spent in the parking lot. We passed as strangers.

Babel

2009-05-26T11:15:00.007-04:00

"Young lady, do you speak Spanish?"
-no
" Well, you should"
-sorry?
" Every year people come to this country and they dont speak english!! What language do they speak? SPANISH! You should learn it ! Then, teach classes and sell lessons for $9. The tapes are about $16, dont bother with Rosetta"
-uhh
" Are you listening ?"
-I hear you
"What language do you know"
-Je parle francais
"That AINT SPANISH !"
-Obviously. No offense but, I dont care to learn spanish. I dont have a problem with the native speakers or the country the language originated from but if they're coming here...why should I take additional classes just to have the requirements and capabilities to speak to them ? I dont mind helping them understand me but i'm perfectly content with not knowing their language.When I go to a foreign country, I have to learn THEIR language and not the other way around. This conversation is quite pointless seeing as how when you step off this train, I wont have the desire to learn spanish and i'll forever think you were insane. If you dont mind, I wanna get back to listening to my ENGLISH gospel music. Thanks.

"Well, I was just saying it'd make it easier"
- mhm thanks for the news flash

random conversation I had on the train

Is anyone DIFFERENT ?

2009-05-22T14:32:00.000-04:00

I am who I am, and not who you are....I guess that makes me different. But if you are who you are, and not who I am..doesnt that also make you different n the same right ? So if we're BOTH different...arent we the same sharing a similarity of being different. I guess you can be different in different ways b/c if anyone were different in the same way, that'd make them the same. Sometimes I think we try too hard to be original and end up duplicating someone else's trial and error.

Random Rambles pt.3

2009-05-22T13:05:00.002-04:00

You ever been so hungry that you just stare at menu's? lol Last night, instead of eating......I read a carryout menu. I love PG/DC b/c [ sooo many slashes] no matter where you go, there's a carryout. lol I missed that in DE. Anyway, my stomach was growling so, like a crying baby, I tried to soothe it with some food. I didnt have any food so I read a menu lmao
ugh
It didnt help that I was highly irritated yesterday -- dude !!!
like, seriously...I wanna // or neeeed to work out. It's gettn serious now. I wanted to gain a little weight but not in the lazy way. My dad has my computer and I wanna know what he's doing with it lol He's had it for quite some time. I spoke to one of my VERY bestfriends today ..omg I just love her lol I'm glad we got to catch up.
2010 -- year of the bible ?
drake-- loves rihanna?
foot -- fell asleep?

yea yea yea !

:)

2009-05-20T06:06:00.004-04:00

I wish the world was filled with more love. I wish we could greet everyone with a hug, and a smile
......no matter how long we've known them or if we know them at all. We could get rid of currency, and just give freely and from our hearts. Where did all of the love go ? I challenge anyone who reads this to do a good deed.

Pay someone a compliment!
Befriend someone who needs the companionship
HUG a stranger. That happened to me once, and it made my day! 3 years later, I still smile about it.
Put random notes on your neighbors doors so that they find it when they come back. Example: "You're beautiful" , "I believe in you" or " There are a million possibilities, go get one". You never know what could motivate someone to do something they've always wanted to do.
Collect your change from purchases, take it to a coin star...and give the money to someone who needs it.
Help anyone who looks like they need it.
Tape a quarter to a payphone
Sit down and have a conversation with someone who looks like they have a lot on their mind.
Look in the phone book, find an address...deliver flowers or a card with an encouraging message.
Leave the parking space up at the front for someone who needs it. If you can walk, do so. There just arent enough handicapped spaces :)
Hold the door for someone else
SMILE -- it's infectious!
Pay the toll for the car behind you

I cant think of any more, but I hope this helps you make someone's day 10x brighter! Be kind !!!

RELAPSE

2009-05-19T11:28:00.002-04:00

not [[ having ]] one
[[ getting ]] one <3

Eminem !

Retreat

2009-05-18T00:43:00.003-04:00

I just wish I could rewind everything and bask in that one moment. I felt special then.
I felt....valuable.

Word Play

2009-05-17T11:20:00.002-04:00

I love words. When I was younger, and I asked my dad how to spell something, he'd give me a dictionary. At that time, I thought he was just making my life difficult lol It wasnt until later that I found out that he didnt know how to spell the word himself. Him making me look up each word I had no idea how to spell changed my life. I'd like to thank him for all that he's done. Because of him, my professors tell me that my papers are way more advanced than they're supposed to be for someone my age. I wrote a paper on malleable memory, because cognition really interests me ...
and she told me that she had no choice but to give me an A being that the paper really was med-school dissertation level. I'm not here to brag but I do want to say; take advantage of everything that is placed in front of you.
From my love of words came my love of books. I could sit and read books all day ( still can). I even STOLE a couple of books because I couldnt afford them at the time. From my love of books came my love of poetry. I absolutely adore the way someone can describe an item or a situation and you'll know exactly what they're talking about without them ever mentioning the thing to which they're referring. ahhhhh words!!! I wanna get into slam poetry. I always go into poetry slams, but writing a slam poem has always been hard for me because I hate rhyming ! lol It sounds so....cheesy. I'll figure it out though because performing gives you a high -- A high that I want. It's like you're just throwing words up in the air, juggling and playing with them. It'll be something I dabble in.

::Quote ::

2009-05-15T14:26:00.001-04:00

Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

Just a thought

2009-05-13T09:16:00.003-04:00

I'm reflecting ( once again) upon a time when I had to go somewhere the previous day. I had my clothes all picked out, I had curled my hair and packed everything that id need. All I had to do was go to the store and the bank and make it back before 5pm. I woke up around 9am. I figured that would give me enough time to take care of everything I had to do ( I dont drive). I made it out of the house by 11 to catch the bus. I missed the bus while walking up there, it had arrived early. So I stood for another hour....
a bus approached me but it wasnt the right one, so I let it pass me. As soon as it did, however, it changed it's bus number into the one that I needed~! I was pissed. I thought I cant stand here and wait for another bus, I have to walk. So, I walked. It took only 20 mins and the whole time, im like "I could have been here already"!!!!
As I walked up to the bank, it was closed and wouldnt open until 1pm.
As pissed as I was that I just did all of that, I realized, this is a blessing. I have time to go do everything else I had to do in the shopping center before getting back to the bank. Had I come earlier...around the time I set out to come
I would have been standing around waiting. The Lord looked out for me, everything happens for a reason. I didnt get to go where I wanted to go that day
nothing really worked out lol but the following day was even better than I had hoped for.

I have to remember that sometimes things arent going to go as planned, but the'll always go as they were supposed to. They may look like they're thousands of miles from turning around ...you're gonna be down in the dumps and it's gonna seem like nothing is ever going to work out but in the darkest moment....you'll have some light. May God's will be done

Gluttony

2009-05-09T22:07:00.002-04:00

Maybe I should just eat a bunch of cupcakes, sausages, pasta, and everything else in the supermarket so that people can stop telling me I look skinny and that I need to gain weight! WHAT THE [ insert word here]

IM SICK OF THIS! Just like you wouldnt tell someone they're gettn a lil bigger
why would u tell someone they're losing weight
if they were already thin
annnd they werent trying to
THATS JUST RUDE~!
dont comment on my weight
dont comment on anyone's weight
you dont know what they're struggling with
or how self conscious they may be
i mean, what if I had a terminal illness or something? inconsiderate bastard

Vulnerability & Secrets

2009-05-01T17:30:00.002-04:00

Everyone has scars, mine are just visible. It's the things people are hiding that you should worry about.

Zit

2009-04-30T13:30:00.003-04:00

You know how when you have really oily skin, or even really dry skin ( so, basically any of the two extremes) you're more prone to acne? Unfortunately I have both, but fortunately acne isnt really a problem for me. Anyway lol I like to think of pimples as built up oil and dirt in a single pore. Because there's so much, it pushes its way to the surface and it is now visible. It gets that way b/c there's a problem and you arent taking care of it...and I know sometimes, there's nothing you can do to help it but....
in a lot of cases, you can. Ive been thinking about the problems in my life, and Ive come to the conclusion that I dont want them to become a pimple. I dont want them to keep building on eachother until it surfaces and there's not much I can do about it. I'm thinking maybe if I take care of my spiritual health, my mental health will fix itself. I want my life to be free of blemishes :)

8 hours

2009-04-29T12:56:00.002-04:00

Guess who finally slept a whole night through!??!!?! ME !!! The first time ive gotten more than 2 hours of sleep in a week and a half ! I'm so happy and rested! Id like to thank my mattress, my pillow, and prayer :)

I went out to the musem yesterday to clear my head. A lot has been going on lately, and I just needed to get away. I put my phone away so that I couldnt be reached, and I just enjoyed my day. I got a meal, spoke to a few people I didnt know and just sat out in the sun. It was such a beautiful day. My favorite pair of flip flops broke but luckily I had another pair on me. Thank you Jesus for having me take another one. Yesterday was the best day that ive had in a long time and im grateful that I got to be alive for it.

At night my sister's older sister contacted me and told me she was missing. We were searching for her ...for about 6 hours when we finally found out that she was @ home...about to go to the dentist. She didnt tell anyone !!! I'm just glad she's ok. I'm also happy that everything is working out for my Other half lol

Things are looking up :)

...

2009-04-28T10:26:00.001-04:00

So, this is what death feels like

Seriously!?

2009-04-28T03:06:00.002-04:00

What do I do to deserve the things people put me through ? I swear it's like I wear a sign saying "screw me over". ugh ! Idk what's going on -- no one's telling me anything
I just wanna wake up.
I'm slipping into this .....slump. Not so much a depression but it's definitely a funk. I cant be that person again, but it's so easy when your emotions are on crack. Why am I like this ? I usually handle stress well....
but this one is too much. Too much right now. What am I gonna do ?! What CAN I do?!

This is like one of those films where the main character is always lost

2009-04-27T09:44:00.004-04:00

If a man wants to be there, he'll stop at nothing to stay
..right?
yea, that's what I thought too.
...moving on
Ive abandoned my figure skating for a year.....I probably suck and I need to call my coach to see when I can get some practice time in. ughh!!! I could have been so good by now. I'm angry with myself for so many reasons. && too, I havent painted in like a week or so. I havent drawn in about a month. How did I neglect my art too??? Ive written a bunch of stuff but that's fine. I only write when i'm depressed lol I'm really not trying to go there right now. I cant wait til the summer ! I get to hang out with my friends who have left me for school lol stupid ppl
jk
I start school in the fall ( again). Junior year couldnt have come sooner. I was supposed to be graduating this year but due to financial issues, I had to leave. Round 2.

I promise i'll get better @ this blogging thing but it's rather difficult when everything is a mess and I DONT wanna tell you about it. I just want things to be ok again, but....who know's when that'll happen.
until then, I can just pretend that i'm fine
:) << good enough?

Obsessed

2009-04-26T17:48:00.002-04:00

Loved it. I wasnt expecting to like that movie THAT much especially because I think Beyonce is a horrible actress lol It was good though. Idris Elba helped it out, in my opinion, because he was actually a good husband. He is one good lookin brotha

tonight is In Treatment and Brave New Voices
cant wait :)

Send me, I'll go

2009-04-24T16:00:00.000-04:00

I've seen it with my own two
there's no way I could show you
a perfectly poverty stricken people with no view
and I bet you cant believe this
they never heard of Jesus
heard of yung joc, lil wayne, and young jeezy
no one's signing up to go on missions this summer
rather sit at home and watch x'hibit pimpin a hummer
while a 9 yr old is shot down
no one's screamin stop now

So look what Christ did
not so we can stay in
side our comfort zones at home in mommas basement
get out on the grind yall
aint no better time dawg
kno ya read the great commission let me just remind yall
"make disciples of the nations, teach them to obey the Lord"
hate to never lead someone to Christ before I face the Lord

And the number's, they be gettn me
somethin still aint hittn em
America aint Christian they just practicin the ritual

love those lyrics
I love Jesus man!

Friday

2009-04-24T10:48:00.000-04:00

Sorry, im just not feeln this

:D

2009-04-23T20:31:00.001-04:00

It's days like this that help me to come to terms with how blessed I truly am. I'll expound more on this when I get the chance to talk to someone very special to me. It just doesnt feel right him not knowing. lol but i'm so happy :)

Ellipsis

2009-04-22T09:52:00.001-04:00

I feel outta touch wit reality -- I'm praying these words I write down will bring earth back to me. Hearing his voice will make everything aight again/ gonna keep calln in the middle of this fall until his reassurance helps me win the fight again

Bible

2009-04-21T12:20:00.004-04:00

...gotta read it more. He's the source of my strength and joy right
so why dont I go to him more often than I do? You've got some work to do my dear. I put on some gospel this morning
which I do pretty much every morning ...and I instantly felt happier. The problem didnt go away but Ive realized that it's not about making the problem go away. It's about being content in whatever situation you get thrown into.
Thank you for the wisdom you've given me lord

my friend Ronny just posted this
im gonna put it here so that I can keep it in mind

God has created u as a tall tree, yes u will catch much wind. u may bend from time to time, but please dont break.

Busy Busy Busy

2009-04-20T00:34:00.000-04:00

I'm finding that i'm becoming more and more preoccupied as the days go by lol I'm still going to stay true to my word and blog about something everyday but I feel like im cheating by just writing a couple of words. Commitment is an issue lol gossssh
ok
so....im still trying to get things straight
but it's hard doing it by myself with no real guidance
i guess this is what growing up is all about
ugh
i swear, i dont like this lol But if it's what I have to do -- then it's what I have to do

ugh

2009-04-19T11:05:00.000-04:00

Know what annoys me ? When people only contact you when they need to talk or when they need you to do something. ugh

idk when wont be busy....
I'll write a real post soon. I guess you can just have fun reading "rain dance"

This

2009-04-18T09:01:00.001-04:00

is the day that the Lord has made
So rejoice !

tGif

2009-04-17T19:41:00.001-04:00

I'm hoping I can get some painting and writing done this weekend. Ive been slacking

Hugs -Kisses- Sunshine

2009-04-16T22:44:00.003-04:00

I was on youtube, and I was watching this video by a transgendered...anorexic guy. He is, literally, the most spirited and warm hearted person that ive ever had the pleasure of seeing. If you were to look at him...
you'd probably pity him or think he was sickly but, he's so happy! I envy him a little lol He finds happiness in every situation
we should all be that way

btw, the h/k/s [ n the title] came from him
<3

Rain Dance

2009-04-15T18:21:00.005-04:00

When I stepped outside today, I was surprised to find rain. Not just any rain....
rain that fell sideways. To me, that's the worst kind of rain there is. You cant walk normally in this kinda rain
you have to tilt your umbrella so that it catches the drops sneaking up beside you
and when the wind changes directions
so must you
it's a pain
so, I'm walking.....
about 15 steps later, I realized that I forgot the mail that I was going to drop off at the post office. So, yay! I had to go back to the house. Once I got what I needed, I went back out of the house and started walking once again. I looked out and over to the road, I saw that there were a bunch of cars so I made sure to stay close to the gate.
All of a sudden, I was SPLASHED with water
not just any water
rain water....
water that had been sitting in a puddle for probably over an hour
water that was splashed by other cars .....and their dirty tires that trekked over other parts of dirty asphalt
water that was hugged by a curb dipped in mud

that water drenched my face, clothes, boots, and my bag.... and I was mortified.
I was PISSED.....but I laughed lol

That got me to thinking....

Situations aren't going to always be a 'cool drink of water'.
They're going to suck
....they're going to weigh you down sometimes
sometimes you may get your feet stuck in mud
and sometimes you'll feel like you're drowning

but you've gotta raise your head above sea level and get back up. I guess I'm writing this b/c I needed to be my own pick me up.
I walked the rest of the way to the post office with a smile
&& when I came home, I painted.
Today was a good day

Ow

2009-04-14T16:20:00.001-04:00

I'm in pain
i hate being sick
...still gonna write a blog tmrw
regardless of how i feel

later

Cravings

2009-04-13T19:34:00.002-04:00

Why does it seem like when you cant have something, that's when you want it the most ? lol Or when you cant do something...thats when you really wanna do it/ gr
like when you dont have a car and suddenly you really wanna take a drive.

frustrations man lol

Happy Easter

2009-04-12T21:58:00.003-04:00

lol why is it that on the holiday's you're supposed to be happiest on, you end up being very angry ?
I mean, I was but....
my sister had stick stuck up her bum and my mother blamed ME for it. Goodness I dont think I can take much more of this.
Ive been sooo .......disengaged lately
i cant seem to stay focused on anything but the future since nothing's happening in the present. I'm preparing for things and making lists so that when the time comes
things will be a little easier. I'm gonna do this

[ side note:: I KEEP sneezing. I srsly think that sneezing is annoying lol ]

hope yall had a great holiday

wow

2009-04-11T17:39:00.005-04:00

this guy walks up to me and says hi
i say hi back and then he says a bunch of other stuff that I cant remember. He goes on to ask my age and when I told him I was 20, he was VERY surprised. He said he was 21, but ....what I wanna know is, why he wanted someone younger lol When he approached me, he thought I was a teenager. Gross. Anyway, he asked my name...and so i told him. I didnt ask his because I didnt care. When he asked if he could get to know me, I told him that he couldn't because I have a boyfriend.
[here's the kicker]
"I dont want to date your boyfriend"
I went off. I was like , I didnt tell you that I have a boyfriend because I thought you might have wanted him....I told you because I dont want you. The mere fact that I even mentioned him means that my relationship means more to me than a potential ANYTHING with you. You should respect that
and he's like "no, it's not that..I just ...ok...um...it was nice meeting you"
jerk
If I left my bf FOR him, which I wouldnt, what makes him think I wouldnt do the same thing TO him?

Faith isnt faith til it's all you have left to hold onto

2009-04-10T07:52:00.001-04:00

Now, more than ever, i'm being tested. The people around me...
my friends and family arent very encouraging and I swear, if I werent so strong
id crumble by even the slightest bit of doubt. If i'm ever going to get anything done or go anywhere in life i'm going to have to rely on myself ( and God). I cant look to other people for help and I cant depend on them because one day they may not be there. I'm learning this the hard way. There's a passage in the book of Luke that talks about your friends and family betraying you and I believe that's what's happening to me now. Not so much as outright betrayal but I dont think that anyone is really trying to uplift me and support my dreams. Well, I take that back
....3 people are. They SHOULD know whow they are lol No need for name dropping.

I will be successful
Lord, I need you

Nightmare on Bellamy way

2009-04-09T15:34:00.002-04:00

I try to stay away from watching scary movies by myself because they really do freak me out. Lately, though, I've been having bad dreams regardless of what I watch. It's really starting to bug me. I know WHY i'm having them but right now...the cause of the dreams isnt gonna go away, at least not for a couple months and so...i just wanna get rid of them so I can sleep through the night. I hate this ! I sleep for like 2 hours and then im awakened and I stay up because I dont want to go back to sleep. I feel like a child but who in the world wants to be afraid in their dreams!? I thought nightmares were things you grew out of. Ive been having them for my whole life. It could be suppressed stress or whatever but ....
idk and I really dont care, I just want it to go away. Maybe I should add that to my prayer list.

Is this normal?! I feel like it isnt

I'm reflecting

2009-04-08T00:00:00.000-04:00

upon a time when I thought I was having a heart attack lol

now, yall remember when you were little and you were sick...you'd call for your momma
shoooooot even when she was the one who whooped ur behind, you called her too
lol

so, ok....
on this particular day I wasnt feeling too well so I stretched out across my bed and decided not to go to class. Then this pain came// dude, I couldnt even freakn breathe ! ( ok....I could breathe -- it was just difficult)
the only thing I thought to do was to call my mother. I told her that I thought I was having a heart attack && that my arm and jaw felt funny.

She laughed at me, told me it was gas and that if I felt that bad ...I should probably call 911

note to self :: dont call mom if dying
-end note

Random Rambles pt.1

2009-04-07T14:53:00.003-04:00

*This guy pulled over on the side of the road and asked me if I wanted to buy socks. Now, one...i'm already wearing socks && two, what makes him think that id buy socks from some random dude in a mini van?! Get a job!

* I went to the bank, and I was on the phone with an automatic service from MY bank. As I was hanging up...the security guard of the bank came up behind me and banged on the counter "UM...YOU NEED TO PUT YOUR CALL ON HOLD". I thought should I be polite, or should I be myself needless to say, I dont think she'll ever bang on any counter around me ever again. I was pissed because the phone wasnt to my ear when she did it, my call had ended, and that was just plain rude.

* As I was coming from the bank, this guy asked me how I was. I speak to everyone if they speak to me...so I told him that I was alright and I asked him how he was and kept it movin. When I was comin from another store, he was still standin outside-- "pssssst! where you goin"
If I wasnt a Chrsitian !!! I mean, what does it matter where i'm goin! ugh! You get one little greeting and you think we're datin lol leave me alone

* At the beauty supply store, I spoke to the lil Asian chick @ the counter and proceeded to look around. All at once, I notice the rest of the people that work there....go to their stations. If anyone asked them, they'd probably say that they did this just so they could be ready in case I wanted to buy something. I'm not stupid though, they wanted to see if I would steal. I left. I dont wanna buy anything from anyone who thinks im not capable of purchasing something

* At rite aid, I waited in line before buying some stuff for my skin. When I get up to the counter, the lady paused and asked the man in the OTHER line if he was ready to check out. I went off. I'm like "Look, ive been waiting in this line just like he has. There are the same number of peope in each, 2! So why would you ask him if he's ready like my place in line means nothing ? " She let me continue my purchase.

Maybe I was just in a bad mood today, but some stuff people do...just really gets under my skin.

Brave new voices

2009-04-06T10:22:00.002-04:00

Was the title of the poetry series on HBO and it was quite interesting hearing those young people spit poems from the heart like that. Ive always enjoyed spoken word because
so much emotion is put into it
it's like a play where you write the script. "In Treatment" was VERY good and im soooo glad that it comes on today too!!! I'm definitely liking this lineup. I'm screwing up the time && day that House comes on
so, ive been missing both that && WCG Ultimate Gamer but luckily I can find those online. The Hills comes on tonight as well [ season primere] and i'm super excited.

I know that it seems like I watch a lot of tv
but I swear that I dont.

I'm anticipating

2009-04-05T10:19:00.000-04:00

the HBO show about poetry. I cant remember the title right now but if anyone knows me well, they know that poetry and art have my heart lol It should be a good show, and i'll let you know how I feel about it when it comes on. Also, a psychology show comes on called "in treatment" sorry// i suck @ capitalization
just takes too much time to execute
anyway, im glad they FINALLY have a good show about psychology and therapy sessions b/c Frasier and Dr.Phil werent cuttn it.

A stumble may prevent a fall

2009-04-04T04:27:00.000-04:00

set backs set you up for a come back
postponements aren't definite no's

[/sometimes you have to tell yourself these things until you believe it]

tata for now

Eco Friendly

2009-04-03T11:52:00.002-04:00

I was thinking...
we may be closer to "going green" than we think.
Newspapers are going to die....they're going to put "The Washington Post" in the obituary section. The world is getting rid of all paper things one sheet at a time. We're slowly converting to a total computerized nation and while I cant say that I'm ready for it, I am eager to see how they'll 'reboot' when something crashes. The Metro changed from paper cards to hard plastic ones. I can remember plane tickets were paper too! At the stores, they'd give you a small index-sized card used to track how many times you frequented the spot. Now, they have small plastic cards that they scan at the register.Even money ( dollars) are being replaced with credit cards. I have to admit that this way is way more efficient however, relying solely on a computer just isn't smart. Sure, we can program it to do whatever we like but what happens when things backfire?
In the long run, I can see this being better for the earth. Less trees will be cut down, so the earth will benefit from that but still....
being dependent on a device ? That just doesn't sit right with me. We saw the fall of education when computers were introduced. People don't even read actual books for book reports anymore, they "google" it. This has made us lazy! I believe that the advancement of technology had good intentions but what we're choosing to do with it isnt very wise in the academic sense.

OK! i'm skinny...I get it

2009-04-02T08:47:00.000-04:00

...but that's really not any better than calling someone fat, you DO know that ...
right?
since when has a person ever preferred the term "skinny" over "thin" or...um...."small"?? Never! Unless they're starving themselves. I EAT!

People must think that because the world wants to be skinny, that i'm fine with that label. Dont call me anything lol
Dont tell me, or anyone, when there's been noticeable weight gain or loss
Dont alert us to changes in the way our clothes fit
...not only is it not your business, it's also kind of rude.